Baby Steps

We took a couple of baby steps yesterday, one with each boy. It's funny how I expected them to change as babies as they learned new skills and words. But I was a little taken aback with what happened yesterday.

My youngest son still had a baby monitor in his room until naptime yesterday. In short, he was playing with it and he broke the receiver in his room. My husband tried to fix it, but it was beyond repair. We talked about getting a new one, but honestly that is not in our budget right now. Since my son is 2, we also talked about how long he would really need one. We decided to see how he would do without it. You see, my oldest son will come get us up when he wakes up in the morning. My youngest won't. He will just talk or cry until one of us gets him up. You know what? He was fine.

Then came a big surprise. At dinner last night, my oldest son started talking about someone named Toby. After asking him some questions, I realized he has his first imaginary friend. According to him, Toby is black, hairless, toothless, doesn't eat and watches the dogs while we are gone. When I told my sister, she said that reminded her of Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon. Maybe, but we were informed today that Toby has no tail and likes to go to the library.

No longer do I have a home with a bouncy seat, onesies, a baby monitor, bottles or pacifiers. Instead of 2 babies, I have come to the realization that I have 2 toddlers that quickly becoming little, young men. I am a little sad, but also so excited for all of the adventures ahead of us. They still have so much to discover and learn. I think that's my favorite part of being a mom. Watching them get so excited when they learn or see or hear something new. I don't think that will ever get old. And I love showing them the path to learn and explore.

Let's see if I still feel that way when they leave for college.

Imperfect Moment

Tonight my oldest son taught me a lesson. I want to share it because even though I am not happy about how it happened, I think it's worth sharing.

I came to the realization awhile ago that sometimes I yell more than I like. I wouldn't consider myself a "yeller" because it doesn't happen all the time, but it is something I decided to work on. Tonight, I failed miserably.

My son was watching a show about bicycles to help him settle down for bed. He was more fidgety than normal and just would not sit still. I warned him about throwing toys by telling him to stop or we were going straight to bed without finishing the show. Well, he pushed the limits and I turned off the TV. He lost it; screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting me, etc. I told him to go to the bathroom to go potty before bed, per our routine. He yelled, "NO!" and ran into our bedroom. I got him out and told him to go to the bathroom. He ran under the kitchen table. That was when I lost my temper and yelled, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE!"

We finally made it to bed, with the fight continuing I might add. He asked me to sleep with him. Now what I have been doing on nights my husband works, is go check on my younger son and then come back to sit with my oldest until he settles. I told my oldest I needed a few minutes to calm down and then I would come back.

I debated on whether to go back or not, but after picking up books and toys and sweeping, I felt like I should at least talk to him a little about what happened. I walked into his room and laid down next to him in his racecar bed. He snuggled right up to me and I said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you." His response? "Mommy, you need to be careful with me."

WHOA.

He's right. So even though I know I may slip up, I am taking the Orange Rhino Challenge. Feel free to check it out for yourself. And hopefully, I will always remember to be careful.

Feeling the Guilt

I don't know how many of you out there reading this work outside of the home. In my experience, a lot of moms have to. Either you want to (like me, you would go out of your MIND staying at home) or you have to, but no matter what the reason it can still lead to guilt.

Now I don't want to make it sound like I don't want to be at home with my boys. If there was a way for me to stay home and get paid for it (without working), I absolutely would but that is not very realistic. If you have a trust fund, maybe. But leaving for work everyday or finding time to work from home almost always leads to guilt eventually. I remember working a job that I HATED, I mean absolutely HATED, and I had an hour commute each way, 5 days a week. I was pregnant with my second son and I had to leave every morning before my oldest woke up. I would cry the entire way there every day. It was awful.

But I don't feel as much guilt as I used to. Why? Because I am doing something that I enjoy. Yes, it hurts to be away from my boys. It will always hurt and it never gets easy. But I also know I am providing a good example for them by doing what I love to do. When they "grow up" I hope that they will be inspired to do what they love and not be concerned about how much money they make. I really don't think it should be about that.

Do you feel guilty? I think it's a good thing. It means you love your children and you don't like to be away from them. If you don't feel guilt, that's ok, too! All mommies need a break from time to time and some women use work as their break from their children. However you feel, just know that you are not alone and it's ok.

Success!

All of us have had those moments when we beat ourselves up over and over again for doing something "wrong" with our kids. We wonder if there is any way our kids will grow up to be normal adults because we are messing up so bad. And then, every once in awhile, we get a glimmer of hope. I got one of those gems today.

My boys have a book called, "It's OK to Be Different." It's by Todd Parr (if you want to check it out) and we got it as a gift. It talks a lot about how it's ok if you are not like everybody else. Well, we've read that book a lot and my oldest son is always excited about the page that talks about how it's ok to have a pet worm. Out of all the things that it talks about, how could that be the only thing he gets out of it? But, he's a boy so I never put much stock in it.

Then we watched "The Land Before Time" (remember that movie? Total classic!) and the dinosaurs started talking about how three horns don't play with long necks. My oldest asked me what that meant and I tried my best to explain that it meant that they weren't playing together because they were different. Then he unexpectedly walks up to the TV and says to the dinosaurs, "It's ok to be different. You can play together." I was completely blown away.

When I realized what he had said and where it came from, I was so happy that my husband and I had created such a sweet little boy. He understood something we had taught him and he was able to apply it to a situation without any intervention from us. We did something right! But we cannot stop here. This is the first of many lessons that he needs to learn in life.

I give you this story because it is always easy to look at the negative and destroy ourselves as parents when our kids make mistakes. When you get a moment like this (and I promise you will), hand on to it as hard as you can. Bring it back to your mind when things get tough. You will be surprised at what your little ones will teach you, if you are open to receiving it.

A Strange Anniversary

Today is an anniversary for our family. Something important happened 2 years ago, and I almost forgot. But I'm not upset about not remembering. Let me explain.

Two years ago today, we brought our youngest son home from the hospital after he spent 10 days in the NICU. He was born on June 17th and on the 19th we were discussing going home the next day. I was alone in the hospital with him because my husband was with our older son. I was trying to get up (I had a c-section) when the nurse noticed his diaper was dirty and asked me if she could change him. I said sure because I wanted to get in the chair so I could hold him. And then she said two words that changed everything: "That's bizarre."

I asked her what it was and she said, "There's blood in his diaper." I jumped out of that chair, totally forgetting about my incision (but I paid for in pain much later after the adrenaline wore off). She asked me if I had taken his temperature recently. No. He hadn't been circumcised yet. Confused, she told me she was going to take him to the nursery to have him checked and she whisked him away.

There I was, by myself, with no idea what was happening to my baby. I called my husband and tried to tell him what was going on but I was crying so hard I'm not really sure how much he understood. But he got the message that I needed him there ASAP.

When he got there, it was a blur of nurses, doctors, and paperwork. I remember they let me give him a kiss before they took him to the NICU. Beyond that, a lot of what happened is fuzzy for me.

They tested the blood to see if it was his or mine. He was born screaming so they wondered if he swallowed some of my blood. No, it was his. And the bleeding wouldn't stop. His platelets were low. He ended up needing a transfusion of platelets and then a few hours later, he got a whole blood transfusion. In total, he ended up with 5 IV lines: one in each hand, two in his belly button, and a pic line in his shoulder. He was under an oxygen tent because he couldn't stabilize his oxygen levels. The worse part was that we weren't allowed to touch him except for specific times.

Gradually he got better, but it was a fight and we all knew it. I went home without him and I cannot even describe how that feels. I pray none of you reading this ever have to go through something like that. We spent 2 nights caring for him in the hospital before he gained enough weight for us to take him home. Putting him in the car seat was the best moment we had during that time.

Anyway, my mom asked me the other day to send her the date we brought him home. And I couldn't remember; I had to look it up. At first, I felt bad for not remembering. How could I forget such an important day? But as I thought about it, I realized I forgot because it's not that important anymore. He just turned 2 and is in perfect health. He has not had any other health problems since, other than the occasional cold and ear infection (admittedly, he has had 2 sets of ear tubes and his adenoids removed, but everything went perfectly for those).

So do I feel bad for not remembering? A little, but not really. And you know what? That's ok.

We Really Are Crazy!

I had an epiphany last night. It was amazing! Let me set the scene for you. I was super tired because the last few nights have provided me with little sleep. Both boys have been difficult to put to bed and have fought sleep. I was barely awake enough to keep them entertained. By the time my husband got home from work (which was after 11) I had not gone through my usual evening ritual of doing dishes and sweeping. And I realized I had not eaten dinner. Lovely.

Anyway, I looked around the house and started thinking. Thinking about how I do the same thing every night. The floor gets dirty again, the dishes get dirty again, the boys fight me about something, on and on and on. My thoughts then gravitated toward disciplining the boys, which is also basically doing the same things over and over and over. Most parenting advice consists of being consistent, even when the discipline does not seem to be working because it can take time for children to learn and adjust. Consistency means doing the same thing over and over again, right? Well, what is the definition of insanity? Get where I'm going with this......

Insanity is sometimes defined as repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result. Sounds a lot like consistency! As these thoughts swirled in my head, I suddenly realized that's why people always say parents are crazy! And to tell you the truth, I think a lot of us are. Now I do not mean that in a bad way, at all. But you really have to be in order to keep yourself from tearing your hair out and putting your clothes on backwards. Don't you think?

Let me give you a personal example. When my oldest son was about a year old, my husband and I went out to dinner. I don't remember where we were, but I remember he was old enough to have a sippy cup full of water (this comes back later in the story). We had gotten our food and were only a few bites into the meal, when my son promptly threw up. Later we realized he had too much water to drink and had gotten sick because of that. Anyway, when he got sick, he got some on my plate. My husband was working on getting him cleaned up and I was picking the food off my plate that had been thrown up on. In my defense, a good part of my plate was still fine and I was thinking I could save most of it. My husband looked at me and asked me what I was doing. There I was, picking vomit out of my plate trying to salvage my dinner (in my defense, I was pregnant with our youngest son and I was at the really hungry point of the pregnancy). Can you think of any other way to describe that than insanity?

It's OK

I was inspired to start this blog after I had a realization. A few months ago, I was talking with another mommy friend of mine. We were discussing the difficulties we had getting our children to go to bed. And she says, "I keep thinking, 'You need a spanking, kiddo!'" I have to be honest, I was shocked to hear that come from her. She is a wonderful, loving mommy and I thought I was the only mom who felt or thought that way. It suddenly hit me......

I AM NOT ALONE.

This may seem strange to come to this realization when I did, but it was liberating. I felt like I had someone in my camp. See, I have a type A personality and it is very hard for me to accept that I am not the perfect mama (hence the name of this blog). I remember being in the hospital, holding my oldest son and promising him I would never make him cry. Fast forward 3 and half years and it's safe to say I have broken that promise dozens of times over. And you know what? It's ok.

No matter what I do with my kids, there is someone out there that will not agree. And that's ok.

No matter what YOU do with your kids, there is someone out there that will not agree. And that's ok.

I read an article recently about ending mommy wars. It talked about mommies that have different opinions about how to raise kids and how we sometimes get feisty about what we believe in. And I think we all do. But every kid is different and every mama is different and guess what? That's ok.

So here's my first confession. We just moved from Missouri to Texas and my boys have adjusted pretty well. But recently, my oldest has started fighting us at bedtime. He just would NOT stay in his room and my husband and I were spending the better part of 90 minutes to get him to bed. And then my mom texted me to say, "Maybe he needs some extra cuddles." So for the last week or so, I have been lying with him until he falls asleep. The same thing happens at naptime with my younger son. He just will not stop doing flips off of his bed.

Do I worry about creating a bad habit? Of course. Do I worry that I am setting them up to never be able to sleep without me with them? Of course. Is that ridiculous? Of course. They are not going to call me in 20 years to ask me to tuck them into bed. But as I watched my oldest fall asleep tonight, I can't help but feel like it's the right thing to do for them right now.

Some of you will disagree with me and you know what? It's ok.