Today my husband and I are celebrating 8 years of marriage. We have been a couple for a total of 12 years. In that time, we have learned some valuable lessons. I feel the need to share them, even if nobody asked. Take what works for you and leave the rest. And if none of it works for you, that's ok too.
Lesson #1: We are a fairly unconventional couple. We pretty much do what we want, when we want. For example, in 2007 we took a road trip for vacation. We did not plan it, we did not book anything ahead of time. We packed up the truck and started driving. It was the best vacation ever, besides our honeymoon. We also decided when we wanted to start a family and just went for it. When I found out I was pregnant with our oldest son, I was still writing my thesis for my Master's degree. Didn't matter to us. I became pregnant with our younger son when the oldest was 9 months old. Again, didn't matter to us. It was what we wanted and we are still happy with our decisions.
Lesson #2: We are not perfect. We are not a perfect couple, nor are we perfect individuals. We have made mistakes together and on our own. But we have learned from them, which is very important. I think some people go into a marriage thinking that everything will be rosy and wonderful. But that's like promising yourself you are going to go to the gym every single day. It is an unrealistic expectation and then you give up because you couldn't do it perfectly. Well, I've got news for you. Marriage is far from perfect. Couples will fight. Couples will go to bed angry (which is ok to do, by the way). But don't throw your marriage away because you are going through a rough patch. Every couple has them. The best couples are the ones who fought through it.
Lesson #3: We are not traditional parents. Of course we want to teach our boys traditional values. That's not what I'm talking about. And I also don't mean that we belong to some strange religion or follow some weird diet. Our boys are SUPER energetic which means we often have to be creative in getting their energy out. For example, when our oldest son started yelling in the house, the traditional "inside/outside voice" talk did nothing. I was getting so frustrated that I finally started letting him stand on the front stoop and scream as much as he wanted until he said he was done. Problem solved. May have ticked off our neighbors, though.
Lesson #4: I may get some flack for this, but we don't say "I love you" all the time. I had someone ask me about it once. I was on they phone with my husband and we said goodbye without saying "I love you." He asked me why we didn't do that. Here's the deal. We talk all day, every day. We don't say it all the time because we save it. It still really means something when we say it. I think if we said it all the time, it wouldn't mean as much. I've had people say, "What if something happened and you didn't tell him you loved him the last time you talked to him?" I would be ok. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Our act of talking throughout the day says it. We have several "looks" we give each other that say it. His tone of voice will say it. Our actions say it. It doesn't always have to be in words.
Every marriage is different and every couple is different. People today have to find what works for them even if the rest of the world disagrees. I think people don't take marriage seriously, either. My husband and I took our vows to heart. We have never had a divorce talk. That has never been an option. We've done counseling when we had problems we couldn't seem to work out together. It was like having a mediator and it was very helpful.
As we close in on 10 years, I'm sure we have a lot more to learn. We will encounter things we don't know how to handle. We will make more mistakes, together and separately. But that is life. That is marriage. And that's how we roll.
