Dear Mom I Wanted to Be,
Wow, we are very different people, aren't we? When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I didn't know that I was suddenly torn into two separate people: the Mom That I Am and the Mom I Wanted to Be. There was a lot I didn't know that pushed us very far away from each other.
I didn't know that my birth plan was going to go straight out the window. I didn't know that I was going to struggle to breastfeed for every minute I did. I didn't know how guilty I was going to feel when I made the choice to stop. I didn't know that I was going to have two boys only 18 months apart. I didn't know that the second pregnancy was going to be more scary than the first. I didn't know my second son was going to spend time in the NICU. I didn't know about all of the challenges that were about to enter my life.
But I also didn't know how much love I could carry. I didn't know that my family was going to get so strong through all of those challenges. I didn't know that having two boys only 18 months apart would make them so close. I didn't know how strong I was until I had to start fighting.
You see, Mom I Wanted to Be, you are purely a figment of my imagination. I wanted to be you: the perfect mom. But that wasn't even close to possible, was it? I wanted to be the mom who was always well put together, who always had her kids in clothes that matched, who always had fun activities planned, who always kept her cool no matter what her kids did, and who was always happy about being a mom. I'm none of those things. (But let's be honest, I wasn't all that put together BEFORE I had kids, so hoping I could magically transform into June Cleaver after they were born was a bit of a stretch.) I had so many grand plans and hopes, all of them pinned on you.
When I failed to be you, and I saw myself drifting further and further away from you, I started to get discouraged. I tried so hard to be you that I forgot that I needed to be me: Mom That I Am. I don't really want to be you anymore, even though I see you in other mama's. When I see someone post on Facebook about all of the fun activities they do every day, I reach for you. When I hear someone talk about how well behaved their children are, I look for you. When I see pictures of a family where everyone is smiling and perfectly matched, I wish I was you. But I still don't want to be you.
If I were you, my boys wouldn't know how to choose their own clothes because I would do it for them. If I were you, my boys wouldn't know that I have feelings just like they do because I would be happy all the time. If I were you, my boys wouldn't know how to apologize because they would never do anything wrong (and I might add, they would never hear it from me). If I were you, every minute of their little lives would be planned and my boys wouldn't know what it was like to just hop in the car and go for a random day out. If I were you, I would probably not be as happy as I am.
Sure it's hard. It is for every mama. But by keeping you in my mind, Mom I Wanted to Be, I am never going to be able to truly be the Mom That I Am. So, I guess this is goodbye. I don't really need you anymore. I'm sure you'll try to stop by from time to time, but as of right now, you are no longer welcome. Don't take it personally, Mom I Wanted to Be. You served your purpose and it's time for me to move on.
Thanks for everything,
Mom That I Am
