Listen to Your Kids

I am writing this post for two reasons.  First, I want to talk about a situation with our daycare provider and second, I want to encourage all parents out there to really listen to what your kids are telling you and learn to read between the lines.  I am going to preface this by saying that I am not a trained interviewer or anything like that, but I do have a background in child psychology so I had a pretty good idea to handle the situation that came up.  I am hoping that this will help others, but I also encourage parents to get appropriate authorities involved if necessary.

When we first found our daycare, we were very excited.  When we moved to Texas we were upset about leaving the daycare in Missouri because we were so happy with it.  We toured a few daycare facilities that left us unimpressed and then we stumbled on Daycare 1 (I am changing the name for various reasons).  It seemed perfect.  The boys started in August of 2013.  At first, my oldest son was so excited to go and he would cry on the days he couldn't go.  We could only afford for them to go 3 days a week but they were enjoying it a lot.  

Each classroom had 2 teachers.  In our older son's room there was one teacher, Miss Ann (again, I am changing names) that he was really drawn to.  He talked about her and she was very good with him.  The other teacher, Miss Mary, raised our eyebrows a little bit.  She was not as warm, she was short with the kids sometimes, and she seemed to get overwhelmed easily.  We kept an eye on her, but because our son was drawn to Miss Ann we weren't overly concerned.  Around Thanksgiving, Miss Ann got hurt and was moved out of the room.  This put Miss Mary in charge and that was when we started noticing some changes in our son's behavior.  He started getting an attitude and not behaving like himself.  Miss Ann would tell us he had a fine day at school, but then our son would tell us he had a bad day or a hard day.  We thought that it was just a phase; after all, he's 4 and it's not unusual for a kid that age to be somewhat defiant.

Around the same time, we started having issues with the front staff.  There were changes being made to the payment policy that was contrary to the arrangement we had made with the director of the center.  We were getting phone calls at least once, sometimes twice a week asking us when they were getting paid.  Because the boys were part time, we paid on the first day they attended which was Tuesday.  They started asking us to pay the Friday before for the next week.  If we didn't pay, we would get a call Friday and Monday asking us where the payment was.  After talking to the director, it was supposed to stop, but it didn't.  Then a couple of weeks ago we were told that they were going to automatic payments ONLY, meaning they were not taking payments in the center anymore and it would be drafted from our account the Friday before for the week ahead.  We were very uncomfortable about that and the director told us she would find out what, if any, other options would be available.  Several weeks went by with no answers.

My husband starting suggesting we look for a new daycare.  I was hesitant because I liked where they were and it was close to the house.  But he eventually talked me into going to look at some that were cheaper.  We found one that was amazing; smaller classes, caring teachers, didn't cost as much, and reminded us of our daycare in Missouri.  We decided to take the boys to see it, just to see how they would do.  I decided that I wanted to ask my oldest son how he would feel about looking at a new school.  I figured if he was very resistant and wanted to stay where he was, we needed to try to work things out. When I asked him how he felt about looking at a new school, he said, "Yes! A school with out Miss Mary."  A red flag went up in my brain.  I asked him why he wanted a school without Miss Mary.  He said, "She says I'm bad.  She makes me bad."  

At this point, I was very upset.  I called my mom to tell her what he had said.  He wanted to talk to Grandma, so I put her on speaker phone.  He started talking about Miss Mary and said, "She puts me in the corner."  Totally new information to me and I was livid.  However, I kept my feelings to myself because I didn't want him to know I was upset.  One of the things I have learned in my academic career is that you have to control how you react when a child says something like that because if you freak out, they will shut down.  They often think they are in trouble and they don't want to upset you, so if you don't react calmly, they quit talking.  By the time the boys were in bed and my husband got home from work, I was ready to hurt someone.

We discussed it and pulled them out of the daycare.  We did not give the two weeks notice that Daycare 1 requests in the handbook.  On their last day, the director and the account manager (who does the financial stuff) called us over to tell us that we had to give notice.  I told my husband to take the boys outside and I laid into them.  I had spoken with the education coordinator to make sure my oldest son was in a different classroom and had no contact with Miss Mary to finish out the week that we had paid for and I told her that we were done after that.  The director and manager kept saying we needed to pay for another 2 weeks.  I simply said, "I am not comfortable leaving my children in your care, I am not bringing them back, and we are done."  Eventually they let it go.

Only 2 days into the new daycare, I can honestly say I have my son back.  His attitude is almost completely gone and he is laughing and having more fun than he has in awhile.  He is constantly asking when he gets to go back and gets upset when we leave.  Both boys are playing and getting to do activities that wear them out; they are so tired by the end of the day.  That is how a daycare should be.

Now, I want to make a couple of points here.  Everyday my kids went to daycare, I would ask them what they did that day.  My oldest son would tell me what activities he did, but he never mentioned issues with his teacher.  Once I gave him the opportunity to, he opened up.  If you are asking your kids about their day, make sure you ask about their teacher once in awhile.  I really think my son wanted to tell me what was happening, but didn't know how.  Once I opened to door to that conversation, he took full advantage of it.  So don't just ask about activities, ask about friends and teachers, too.

Another thing: BELIEVE YOUR KIDS. From my training, kids are more likely to lie by leaving out information than they are to lie by making up things.  They will tell you something to test you, to see how you react.  If you react calmly, they will continue to talk.  That's what you want.  And unless you have a very strong reason to think otherwise, believe what they are saying to you.  I made sure to tell my son how proud of him I was for telling me the truth about what happened.  I want him to know that he can continue to come to me with problems.  I won't always be able to fix it for him, but in this case I could do something about it.

Last point I want to make: trust your instincts.  I can't help but feel a little guilty about not listening to my gut.  If we would have pulled them when we first starting having reservations, our son would not have gone through this.  If I would have listened to my husband when he first started suggesting we look at others, we could have avoided this whole mess.  While this was a learning experience for all of us, I hope that someone out there reading this will also learn from it and avoid the mistakes we made.  It is OK to demand what you think is best for your children and if you aren't getting it, it's OK to move on.

Now that the boys are in a different daycare, I am working on filing a complaint with Daycare 1.  We were told the teacher would be taken care of, but how do I know other kids in my son's class aren't going through the same thing?  In the end all I can do is bring to the attention of as many people as possible and hope it gets resolved.  Don't be afraid to rock the boat.  I used to worry about what people would think of me and I would avoid confrontation.  As I got older and then after having kids, all of that went out the window.  I will rock the boat as hard as I need to make sure my kids and my family are taken care of appropriately.  But I feel like I also took care of the situation without losing my temper; I handled it without yelling or blowing my top.  I got my point across without having to do that.  Just remember that acting quickly without thinking can do more harm than good.  And I kept remembering something my dad once told me: Having tact means you can tell someone to go to hell and make them think it was their idea to being with.  Be tactful and you will be just as satisfied with the results as if you would have screamed your head off.

At the end of all of this, I can say that I lived and learned, my kids are being taken care of, and you know what else?  It's all OK.