Today’s blog post is coming to you from BOTH Angela and her sister, Sherri.
It’s laid out in conversation-style, so come join in the chat!
Angela:
Hey everyone!
I’d like to introduce my sister, Sherri. She’s going to join in the
conversation with me today, as it’s an issue we both feel
pretty strongly about. Welcome!
Sherri:
Thanks! As she said, I’m Angela’s sister.
I have a blended family of 5, including a couple of kiddos with some special needs,
and I wanted to weigh in today after a conversation Angela and I had recently.
Angela:
Yeah, so today’s post is about the myth of “SuperMom”.
Sherri:
Exactly. So where do you think this comes from?
Where do we get this idea in our head of what motherhood
should look like - whether it’s realistic or not?
Angela:
I think when we have kids we think we will be able to do it all.
“Sure, I can go to work but still spend enough time at home!”
“Of course I can breastfeed, pump at work, and the baby will
take a bottle sometimes and me the rest of the time!”
“I can absolutely have it all without any guilt and my baby
will act perfectly and be just wonderful!”
Sounds great, doesn’t it?
Sherri:
Sure does! And I think it’s based on the hopes we all have
about what kind of momma we want to be. I think it’s especially
worse with the first child - you have to no frame of reference
for what’s reasonable. Everything SEEMS doable.
Angela:
But we often find out that life is less than perfect.
Sure, I can go to work and spend time at home...but in doing so,
I feel guilty for not being home more AND at the same time
I feel like my work is suffering because I spend all day long
missing my kiddos. Of course I can breastfeed and pump at work…
until the baby goes on a nursing strike because it’s easier
to eat out of a bottle than it is to eat from me. And now I feel guilty
AGAIN because if I was home, this wouldn’t have happened.
But if I stay home, I feel like I’m giving up the career I worked so hard for.
Sherri:
It’s a constant mental game - and it doesn’t matter what side you
start on. It’s that whole “grass is greener” thing.
But if you really start to think about it, the inconsistencies get more noticeable.
“The perfect mom can go to work, feel accomplished, and get ahead
without feeling guilty or missing out on time with her kids.”
“The perfect mom stays at home, never misses her career or her friends,
and is perfectly content and happy with her kids all day everyday.”
Not only can neither of those statements actually be true in and of themselves...
they DEFINITELY can’t both be true at the same time!
Angela:
Yeah, it seems like everything will go perfectly and be just wonderful…
until it isn’t. Maybe you’re a SAHM that wishes you were working or a
working mom who wishes you could stay home. Perhaps it’s more than
that, and you start noticing that something isn’t right. Maybe your kiddo
isn’t eating well and can’t gain weight. Maybe your kiddo should be
walking or talking and hasn’t gotten there yet. Maybe your kiddo has
started biting him/herself or is headbutting the floor. Maybe you just
have “Mommy Radar” that says something is wrong.
Sherri:
And here comes Round 2 of the mental game! “If I was staying
home, I would have noticed sooner or been able to focus more on helping
my child” “If I was working, I’d be able to afford to take my child to see
that Dr that has all the answers.” Honestly, though, when something
is up with your kiddo - it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that YOU
are this child’s momma. We just tend to see our failures instead
of our successes. No matter when or how, you KNOW when it’s time to take action!
However, that Call to Action seems to trigger our sense of Mom Perfection again.
Angela:
So you notice something is wrong and you do all you can
to find out what is going on, and all of a sudden...you become
a special needs mom. Here is the chance to be SuperMom again, right?
“I will do research, find therapies or medications that might help!”
“I’ll research them all and be well-versed to discuss pros, cons,
and side-effects at the next appointment!” “I will make all of the
appointments to get all of the necessary referrals for services my
kiddo’s needs!” “I will make a list of questions to ask the doctor!” “I can do this!”
Sherri:
However, between meltdowns, sleep deprivation, housework,
and who-knows-what-else...life gets in the way. Where I think we get into trouble
is that these don’t seem like particularly difficult things to do! And individually, they aren’t.
“Surely I can carve out 15 minutes to Google my child’s diagnosis…”
“I can throw in a load of laundry every hour or so, and fold it after the kids go to bed.”
But when we have a list of 30 of these so-called
small tasks...there’s no way to get them all done.
Then when they DON’T happen, we beat ourselves up over it.
OR, we do get a chance to do SOME of things we wanted to do…
and then wish we hadn’t. It all just ends up adding to our list.
Angela:
Exactly. You Google until the research gets depressing and
you don’t want to read anymore. And that therapy you thought
would be perfect isn’t offered within driving distance of your home.
The medication has some pretty heavy possible side effects
that you have to consider. Appointments? Yeah, more like waiting lists galore.
You are looking at months before getting into doctors or other specialists.
And your list of questions? Either it never got made...or you made it and left it on the counter.
Sherri:
Oh, and we mommas are the BEST at self-flagellation. We lay in bed at night
replaying everything that went wrong and how we think we should have
handled it differently. We worry about ANOTHER day going by without
the therapy or medication, about the time that has slipped away.
Agonizing over that trip to the grocery store where you ran into a long lost
friend from high school...while your kiddo was mid-meltdown on the floor and
you were sporting a ratty t-shirt decorated with caked-on oatmeal and snot.
Angela:
YES! And then, you start comparing yourself to other moms
you THINK are out there. You see one mom who is able to not only
complete all the recommended therapy with her kiddo but several
times a day, because she is able to stay home. And she makes a video
to show everyone else how to do it. You see another mom who has a
blog full of eating tips and healthy recipes that she used to help her kiddo
with eating issues gain weight. She promises you can do it too! You see
even more moms post Pinterest-worthy pictures about outings or crafts
or dance recitals or karate tournaments...and you suddenly feel inadequate.
“Why can’t I do all of that?”
Sherri:
Uh huh! You ladies know what we’re talking about. You start berating yourself
and putting together a mental image of the SuperMom who easily and happily
finds time to do each of these tasks that, after all, aren’t that big of a deal. Am I right???
You can see her in your head...the mom that’s always put together and accessorized,
even if it’s just for a quick run to the store. The mom whose house is always
spotless and prepared for a last-minute playdate. The mom who handles
bumps in the schedule for the day with grace and ease…and whose kids
are never upset about it. The mom who blasts FB every morning with posts like,
“What a gorgeous day! Squeezed in a short 5 mile run, then
made the kids GFDF cinnamon rolls from scratch, packed lunches
(organic, vegan, and nut-free, of course), and now I’m ready to wake them up!”
Angela:
Here’s what I think happens. We see all of these little bits of
“perfection” from many different moms and we mush them all together.
We mentally create a “SuperMom” that doesn’t exist. We think that if someone
can do all of that therapy, I can too. If someone else can get their kiddo
to eat well, I can too. If someone else can take their kiddo to the zoo
without a meltdown, I can too. And pretty soon we have set all these ridiculously
high expectations for ourselves that actually came from many, many
different moms who are sharing their brief moments of perfection.
Moment of perfection + Moment of perfection + Moment of perfection = “SuperMom”
Sherri:
YAASSSS...so much this. Look, I am *for sure* NOT against us moms sharing
our successes (however small they might be). However, we all need
to take each of those moments with a grain of salt! For all you know, the ONE
moment that momma posted about was LITERALLY the only positive thing
that happened to her that day. But nobody shares the bad stuff! Well, not ALL
of it, anyway. Think - we get onto each other for that. #TRUTHBOMB
We’ve gotta stop doing this to each other, ladies. Celebrate the successes your
fellow moms are experiencing - even if their success was around something
you failed at today. Share your frustrations and let your friends know
that you need help AND what you need. Heck, don’t just say,
“Call me; we’ll go get coffee!” Get coffee and GO.TO.HER!
Be SuperMom for someone else.
Help make sure that momma knows that IT’S ALL GOING TO BE OKAY.
Angela:
Here’s the thing to remember, this SuperMom we created…ISN’T REAL.
#GASP We made her up! And then we are holding ourselves to HER
standard of perfection, not the reality of our daily lives. We need to not
only stop creating SuperMom but we also need to stop striving for perfection.
Nobody is perfect all the time and we should be
embracing that. However, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t EXACTLY
what your kiddos need. They’ve been entrusted to YOU! No one else...just you.
Once you accept that you are not the perfect mama, life is a little bit easier.
Let’s rewrite that equation:
Moments of NON Perfection + Love + Grace + Laughter + Tears =
Not The Perfect Mama
