As I look at the title of this post, I think anyone reading this might think that I am going to write about one of my sons conquering a fear and how proud I am. Well, I'm not. I conquered one of my own fears. It's been a long time since I had a fear that I needed to get over and I'm very happy this one came when it did. I didn't realize how much it was holding me back.
I used to take my oldest son out by myself all the time. I thought it was pretty easy. When my youngest son came along, I became terrified about going out with both boys by myself. At first it was because I had an 18 month old and a newborn that I was breastfeeding. What if I had to feed the little one? What would I do with the older one? What if he ran off while I was feeding the little one? It was easier to just stay home.
As the boys got older, I did ok a few times. Mostly it was a quick trip to Wal-Mart and the little one could stay in his car seat (most of the time the car ride put him to sleep). The older one would ride in the front of the cart and jabber. That was ok. But once the younger one didn't want to stay in his car seat, it became more difficult. So I decided it was easier to stay home again.
Now they are 2 and 3 (almost 4). They can both walk and run. I was still worried about taking them somewhere by myself, especially since we moved to Texas. There is SO much more traffic and I have been afraid of one of them running away from me on to the highway. But last night, I didn't have much of an option. My husband called me shortly after he left for work to tell me he had forgotten something. He didn't have time to turn around for it and asked me if I could just meet him at his work with it. Of course I would. I got the boys into the van and we headed out. We were about halfway there when I realized what time it was. It was dinner time.
Ok, no big deal. I could drop off what my husband needed and then we could drive-thru McDonald's and take it home (again, easier than taking them into the restaurant by myself). I then started to realize that I was on the road at 6:00 on a Friday night. Traffic was horrible. To get to our house, there is only one street in and out so EVERYONE has to go the same way. It can take us 45 minutes to go 7 miles. I realized that if we tried to take food home, it would be cold and gross by the time we got home. Think, think, think.......
I stopped for my husband and realized that there was a Sonic close. Ok, that would work. We could eat in the van and I thought the boys would think it was neat that they bring the food to the car. When we pulled in, my oldest said he wanted to go inside. I told him they didn't have an inside (lucky for me). He points out the window and asks about the picnic tables. Oh my goodness. Picnic tables less than 50 yards from the highway. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I asked him if he wanted to eat in the van. Of course he said no. Now I was at a crossroad.
What did I decide? I decided to suck it up. I knew that if we sat and ate, we would miss quite a bit of traffic and it would be easier to get home. But my heart was going a mile a minute while I explained to my oldest that he had to stay right with me and could not run off. He said he understood and he took my hand while I carried my younger son to the tables. I have a huge purse so all of our food fit inside. We sat down and I started eating as fast as I could so that we could leave as soon as possible. I was looking at every minute as a possible problem; the longer we sat the more likely it was that something bad was going to happen.
And then something happened. Well, actually, nothing happened. That's the point. NOTHING HAPPENED. I started to relax a little bit as we ate. And you know what? We had a great time! We ate our burgers and laughed. We danced to the music being piped through the speakers. And nothing happened. Once we did get back to the car, my oldest told me he had a lot of fun and asked if we could do it again sometime. That made my night.
As I reflect on last night, I realize that my fear was not about taking the boys out by myself as I originally thought it was. My fear was about doing something that is hard. Have you ever avoided a challenge because you weren't sure you would measure up? Have you ever stayed home with your kids because it's easier than getting out in public with them? Have you ever avoided starting something new because it sounded too hard or you didn't want to put in the effort? I think a lot of mom's have something they avoid because it's hard. Well guess what? It's not as hard as you think it is.
Part of the reason it took so long for me to pursue my PhD is because I knew it would be hard. And I was afraid I wouldn't measure up once I got here. Did you know they have a name for it? It's called Imposter Syndrome. Graduate students often feel as though everyone else has it all together and they are the only ones who are struggling. They feel like it's only a matter of time before someone comes to them and tells them, "We made a mistake letting you in. You need to leave now." I think this applies to a lot of things. We know what we are capable of as mothers, wives, employees, volunteers, etc. But we often doubt ourselves when we face adversity because we worry that we are the only ones who find it hard. I can guarantee you that you are not the only one struggling with whatever you are struggling with right now.
I'm not saying it's not hard because chances are it is. But we build these things up in our minds and think about the worst possible outcome instead of the best. We worry about what will go wrong instead of focusing on what will go right. And as soon as something validates our fears or concerns we think, "That's why I didn't want to do it." What if we all agreed to at least give it a try?
