A Homemade Christmas

I love Christmastime.  Especially the lights; the warm glow makes everything seem so surreal and beautiful.  But the last few years, it has been difficult for me to find my Christmas spirit.  Mostly because I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that mean Christmas to me: making cookies, decorating the house, wrapping presents, visiting family, sending out cards.  Our family has struggled financially the last few years and part of it was our choosing (i.e. moving to Texas for me to pursue a PhD meant giving up a semi-steady income for an uncertain future).  It's a hard pill to swallow when the holidays are hard because of our decisions.

But this year was different.  I don't know when I got the idea to make homemade gifts this year, but it came to me at some point.  I thought it would save money and still allow my children and husband to have presents to open.  So I turned to Pinterest and started saving anything I thought I could turn into a present: egg cartons, aluminum cans, coffee creamer bottles, etc.  I asked my crafty family members and friends if they had fabric scraps I could have.  In the end, I did have to buy a few things, but I spent about $30 in total.

Here's what I ended up with (links included for ideas or inspiration that I got from Pinterest):

Coffee creamer bottle snowmen: I filled these with cotton balls.  I figured the boys could either empty them out and fill them back up, or we could glue the cotton balls to paper and make snowmen.  For my youngest, this was the toy that won the day, over EVERYTHING else.

Rocket packs: 4 soda bottles, wrapped in duct tape.  The felt scraps for the flames were given to me (thanks, Mom!).  I had the black ribbon for the straps and the red and yellow ribbon I added so the boys would know which was which.  For the rocket boosters (in black), I used a plastic cup that I cut down and hot glued black felt on.
Link: http://www.doodlecraftblog.com/2012/04/super-sci-fi-rocket-fueled-jet-pack.html

Egg carton bead sorters: OK, this was not well thought out.  Within a few minutes, the beads were everywhere.  BUT, this will give us beads to use on crafts in the future, so I think it can be a win-win.

Entire back heat pack: This was an old t-shirt of my husband's that I used to make a heat pack he can use that covers his entire back.  It's filled with rice (10 pounds to be exact, which in retrospect may have been a bit much....).
Link: http://www.purposefulwandering.com/2012/01/up-cycling-hubbys-old-t-shirt.html

Angry Bird bowling:  My boys got stuffed Angry Birds in their stockings last year.  When I saw this, I knew I had to do it.  It cost me a couple of dollars in paint and I used a black Sharpie that I already had instead of buying black paint.  6 cans for each of my boys.

Link: http://homemadebeautiesbyheidi.blogspot.com/2011/10/day-2-of-bird-day-week-angry-birds-can.html#!/2011/10/day-2-of-bird-day-week-angry-birds-can.html

Now, we did have some other gifts for the boys.  We tend to shop throughout the year when we find things on sale.  For example, we got remote control cars that were normally $50 each for $10 each WITHOUT going out on Black Friday.  We refuse to shop on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, but that's a post for another time.

Anyway, I did not get to make everything I wanted to due to time.  But I never felt stressed about not getting to it all.  I found that I thoroughly enjoyed the process of planning and making the gifts I did get to.  And you know what else? I FOUND MY MISSING CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.  I found myself getting lost in the process, not thinking about anything but the project I was working on.  And now I have so many ideas, I have a plan for gifts for Easter, birthdays. and next Christmas.  

And this, made it all worth it:

Dear Mom I Wanted to Be,

Dear Mom I Wanted to Be,

Wow, we are very different people, aren't we?  When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I didn't know that I was suddenly torn into two separate people: the Mom That I Am and the Mom I Wanted to Be.  There was a lot I didn't know that pushed us very far away from each other.

I didn't know that my birth plan was going to go straight out the window.  I didn't know that I was going to struggle to breastfeed for every minute I did.  I didn't know how guilty I was going to feel when I made the choice to stop.  I didn't know that I was going to have two boys only 18 months apart.  I didn't know that the second pregnancy was going to be more scary than the first.  I didn't know my second son was going to spend time in the NICU.  I didn't know about all of the challenges that were about to enter my life.

But I also didn't know how much love I could carry.  I didn't know that my family was going to get so strong through all of those challenges.  I didn't know that having two boys only 18 months apart would make them so close.  I didn't know how strong I was until I had to start fighting.

You see, Mom I Wanted to Be, you are purely a figment of my imagination.  I wanted to be you: the perfect mom.  But that wasn't even close to possible, was it?  I wanted to be the mom who was always well put together, who always had her kids in clothes that matched, who always had fun activities planned, who always kept her cool no matter what her kids did, and who was always happy about being a mom.  I'm none of those things.  (But let's be honest, I wasn't all that put together BEFORE I had kids, so hoping I could magically transform into June Cleaver after they were born was a bit of a stretch.)  I had so many grand plans and hopes, all of them pinned on you.

When I failed to be you, and I saw myself drifting further and further away from you, I started to get discouraged.  I tried so hard to be you that I forgot that I needed to be me: Mom That I Am.  I don't really want to be you anymore, even though I see you in other mama's.  When I see someone post on Facebook about all of the fun activities they do every day, I reach for you.  When I hear someone talk about how well behaved their children are, I look for you.  When I see pictures of a family where everyone is smiling and perfectly matched, I wish I was you.  But I still don't want to be you.

If I were you, my boys wouldn't know how to choose their own clothes because I would do it for them.  If I were you, my boys wouldn't know that I have feelings just like they do because I would be happy all the time.  If I were you, my boys wouldn't know how to apologize because they would never do anything wrong (and I might add, they would never hear it from me).  If I were you, every minute of their little lives would be planned and my boys wouldn't know what it was like to just hop in the car and go for a random day out.  If I were you, I would probably not be as happy as I am.

Sure it's hard.  It is for every mama.  But by keeping you in my mind, Mom I Wanted to Be, I am never going to be able to truly be the Mom That I Am.  So, I guess this is goodbye.  I don't really need you anymore.  I'm sure you'll try to stop by from time to time, but as of right now, you are no longer welcome.  Don't take it personally, Mom I Wanted to Be.  You served your purpose and it's time for me to move on.

Thanks for everything,
Mom That I Am

The Importance of Manners

Last night my husband and I actually got to go on a date and spend some time with adult friends.  It was SO nice.  We were talking to a couple who recently got married in September and the wife mentioned having spent all day writing thank you notes.  The more we talked, the more we all agreed that manners seem like they are becoming a thing of the past.  And I mentioned that by the time our boys were older, they would probably be the only ones who would write thank you's and say please and thank you.  My friend said, "Well, at least you know they'll have good manners."

Yes.  They will.  But not just because that's how I was raised.  It's also an important thing for them to learn.  In my opinion, it helps teach empathy.  Why should you say sorry when you hurt someone? Because you feel bad and you want them to know.  You don't like being hurt, so you shouldn't hurt others.  Why should you say please when asking for something?  Because you want to let people know what you need some help without demanding what you want.  Why should you say thank you?  To let someone know you appreciate what they did for you.  This all seems like common sense, but I know lots of kids don't do this.

Now before you think I'm blaming parents, I'm not.  Sometimes parents can do it all right but it doesn't seem to matter because of the culture we live in.  Think about TV shows, movies, magazines, commercials, the list goes on.  How often do you see people using manners?  Occasionally, I would say, but not nearly enough.  Go watch a classic movie or TV show and I bet you would see a lot more.  My point is that our society, our culture, is showing kids that manners are not important.  It's teaching boys that they don't need to hold open the door for their date and it's teaching girls not to expect it.  Well why the heck not?  My husband does all of that for me.  He opens doors and let's me go in first.  He won't eat until everyone at the table it served.  Once, in a restaurant, he took our oldest son (who was still a baby at that point) so that I could eat with both hands.  He actually had another customer come up to him, an elderly gentleman, who complimented him for doing that.

I am proud of the fact that my boys know to say please, thank you, and sorry.  I write thank you notes for them because they can't write yet, but they tell me what to say and they sign it.  Eventually they will be able to do it on their own.  They say excuse me when they bump into someone.  But it's not just because we've taught them, it's because we've SHOWN them.  Kids see what you do, more than we want to admit.  If you want your kiddos to be more polite, show them how.

Our kids should know how to use manners and expect to be treated respectfully by others.  I worry for future generations because manners are important.  I don't think any of us want to live in a world full of rude, inconsiderate people but to a certain extent, we already do.  Let's change that, shall we?

Humble Pie and Failure

Ever have those days where you feel like a complete failure at life?  Those days when you feel so completely crushed by the weight of everything that is going on that you see no way out?  That it's hard to see the promise of the future because you cannot get past your current situation?  Yeah, those.  I've been having a lot of those lately.

It's very difficult when you feel pressure from every aspect of your life.  Financial, emotional, challenges with parenthood, challenges at work/school, taking care of yourself, taking care of everyone else, keeping up with chores, keeping every one fed (this can be financial and emotional), the list goes on and on.  That is a very heavy burden that all mama's bear at some point in life.  Some of us handle it better than others.  I like to think I do pretty well, but tonight I reached my limit.

While I am not ready to go into details about all of it yet (I will at some point, once I get past it), suffice it to say that I felt the pressure and it got the better of me.  And while I was trying to hold it together, I went to lay down with my youngest son because he wasn't sleeping.  As I laid there, my brain would not shut off and I could not hold my tears back any longer.  I was trying to hold it in and be quiet because I didn't want my son to know I was upset.  But you know what?  He noticed anyway.  He looked at me and started rubbing my arm, like I do to him when he's upset.

It was humbling to see my 3 year old being able to empathize with me, understand my feelings, and be able to respond to them.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.  While some mama's might not be comfortable being comforted by their child, I let him.  Not only did it make me feel better, it made me realize that my biggest job, the only thing that I should be worried about, is being a mama.

I don't have any advice on how to deal with life's pressures and stresses. All I can suggest is cry when you need to, love when you need to, and don't be afraid to let your kids see that.  They feel it too, and need to see how you handle it.  It's OK to cry, it's OK to feel like a failure; I think everyone does.  And if you haven't reached that moment yet, you will.  It's OK to crumble once in awhile.  I think as mama's, we think we have to be perfect and should feel bad when we can't measure up.  But who are we measuring ourselves against?  Other mama's who are doing the same thing.  So here's a suggestion.  Why don't we all just stop comparing ourselves to others?  Everyone has someone they think is a better mama, but that mama has someone she feels inferior to as well.  If everyone feels inferior, no one is going to be at their best.  Just love your kids and love yourself.

And you know what? It's going to be OK, even if you can't see it right now.

Back to School!

Many of you mommy's may have kiddos headed back to school or going for the first time.  My boys are not old enough yet, but I know I will probably be a mess when the day comes.  Seeing all of the pictures and posts on my Facebook feed about kiddos getting ready for their first day of school, and I can't help but remember how I felt when it was time to hit the books again.

I LOVED going to school.  And it all started with buying new school supplies.  I thoroughly enjoyed picking out new folders and notebooks, a backpack and a lunchbox.  Everything fresh, everything new, everything so full of possibilities.  This didn't stop once I graduated high school.  I still loved preparing for classes when I started and the bonus was that I got to do it twice a year instead of once.  I really think this is part of why I continued in my education and am now working toward my PhD.  And I am really looking forward to buying supplies for my oldest son when he starts kindergarten next year. Yes, I'm a dork, I know.

But I also wanted to take this opportunity to remind parents to keep communicating with your kiddos once your schedule fills up.  It can be easier to talk and spend time together in the summer when everything is relaxed.  And it can be easy to forget to ask your children, "How was your day?" and actually listen to the response once school (and extracurricular activities) begin.

This is important not just to keep a strong bond with your kids.  Bullying is an issue that parents need to be aware of.  I know that there are some people who do not think bullying is a problem.  They say things like, "I was bullied and I turned out just fine," or "Kids are just too sensitive these days."  While these things may be true, bullying today has taken forms that a lot of people probably never imagined.  Kids have access to computers, the internet, and smart phones, all of which were not around when I was little.  And it's a lot easier to say mean things when you're hiding behind a computer and an ambiguous screen name.

I have included some links below for people who are curious or if you suspect your child might be bullied or might be a bully.  Both sides of the coin are an issue and should be dealt with.  I am not going to tell you how to deal with it because everyone knows their own child best and should deal with it the way you see fit.  Just make sure if your kiddo starts trying not to go to school (says they are sick all the time, just don't want to go, get very upset when they are left at school) and other issues have been ruled out, it may benefit you to ask them if they are being bullied.  I learned the hard way to listen to my boys; I hope you don't have to.

 http://www.pacer.org/bullying/

http://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/at-school/

http://www.violencepreventionworks.org/public/bullying.page

Everything in Moderation

Usually a post about moderation involves food or drink of some kind, doesn't it?  Well, this one's not.  I learned a valuable lesson about technology in moderation last week and it's probably not what you think.

My husband and I really do try to keep technology to a minimum, but we don't always succeed.  The one thing we have been pretty consistent about is computer/video games.  We do not have a gaming system and the computer is off unless it's an emergency (see my previous post).  However, last weekend my oldest son, who is 4, asked me if he could play on the computer.  Usually I say no and direct him to something else, but he had been very good so I said yes.  I went to pbskids.org because they have really good games.  Once he picked a game, I thought I was going to have to sit with him and show him how to use the mouse, keyboard, etc.  To my surprise, he pretty much took over.  I only had to help him a few times because he is still trying to coordinate his fingers and sometimes he would right click by accident.

Here's where my realization came.  As I watched, it became clear to me that this is something I need to let him do more.  Yes, I said it, MORE.  Why?  Because it is actually going to be more detrimental to him (and later on, my younger son) if they don't know how to use a computer.  Think about it.  Computers are everywhere: schools, banks, even restaurants and gas stations.  They NEED to know how it works.  Being technologically literature is a must in our society.  But we still need to be careful because too much will be just as detrimental as none.  

So how do we strike this balance as parents?  I don't know.  If I had the answer, I would retire to the Bahamas right now.  The only thing I can do is share with you what we have decided is best as a family.

1. The computer is a privilege, not a right.  The boys' behavior determines whether or not they get to play. 
2. Mom and Dad decide what games and websites are appropriate. PERIOD.
3. We do not play every night.  Once or twice a week is all they get.  Once they are old enough for homework, of course this will need to be revised.
4. They will NOT get a computer, TV, or anything else like that in their bedrooms unless they have a job and buy it themselves.  If they are responsible enough to save and work for it, they can have it, but #1 and #2 still apply.  Same applies to having a cell phone.

Some of you may have whiz kids who enjoy computers and such and you let them have more time.  That's OK.  Some of you may have kids that have no interest and you have to force them on the computer to do the research for a homework assignment.  That's OK, too.  Whatever you decide is best is OK, just make sure everyone in the family knows the rules and expectations.  

In the Moment

So I know I have been absent lately.  But between school, work, and my family there is little time left at the end of the day.  Every once in a while I think about this blog and worry about coming up with a new post.  And then someone calls for me and it's forgotten once again.  But you know what?  It's OK.  That has been my motto on this blog since the first post.  And now I have something to back up the fact that it's not important for me to post all the time.

You may have seen the video floating around Facebook entitled "Look Up."  If you haven't, the link is at the end of this post.  I strongly encourage you to check it out.  It really hit home for me and it probably will for you, too.  The basic premise of the video is that people are spending too much time with technology and not enough time with other people.  Social interaction is becoming a thing of the past.  While the video has its critics, I think it is a wonderful reminder that we all need to be present, in the moment for our children and our families.

I have been guilty of spending some time scrolling through Facebook in the bathroom because I needed a few minutes away.  But I don't think is OK is when you are using it as a substitute for interacting with your family.  We've all seen the parents who take their kids to the mall and then sit on their phones while their kids run around terrorizing others in the play area.  And then we promptly take out our phones to share our experience on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.  When did it become OK to do that?  It's simply because we can.  It's there and it seems so present.

Electronics are a wonderful tool.  But that's all they are: a tool.  They should not be a replacement.  I think it's perfectly fine to send your loved ones texts throughout the day to remind them that you are thinking about them.  I think it's perfectly fine to put pictures on Facebook for family and friends that are not close (because let's be honest, printing and sending pictures is expensive!).  But don't let yourself think that because you spent all day doing these things for them electronically that it's OK not to actually do it when they come home or when you do get to see them.

In our family, we eat dinner at the table as a family, with no electronics.  Sometimes we leave the TV on, but that's a rare occasion.  When my husband and I have our rare date nights, we sit across from each other and talk.  No electronics.  When we go out to eat as a family, we do not use our phones to pacify our boys unless the services is terrible and the food is taking too long.  They know it's a time for us to be together, not to watch cartoons.  No one in our house owns a tablet.  We have a computer, it is not on when the boys are awake unless it's an extreme circumstance (like we just remembered a bill that needs to be paid NOW).  We only use the laptops to Skype with family that is far away.  Our boys play outside on a daily basis.  They get time at daycare, but we also try to include time at home.  They beg us to go outside instead of asking to watch TV.  They do get to watch some TV, but even what they get often makes us wonder if they are getting too much.

I am not perfect and, let's face it, neither are you.  And that's OK.  We don't have to be.  But we do have to present in our lives because no one else will.  If you don't parent your children or show love to your spouse, someone else might.  And that's not what any of us want.  Humans are social creatures; we have been for a very long time.  Many of us crave interaction with others and feel like we are getting through our phones.  But that's not real.  You can't touch or hug through the phone.  Do it for real.  Hug your kids.  Kiss your husband.  Give a high-five to the co-worker who just had something great happen.  Whatever it takes.

Don't forget why you had kids.  You most likely had them as an expression of love between you and your spouse or significant other.  Be the tangible love in their lives that they are to you.  Show them, tell them, just be there for them.  I promise you won't regret it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY

Changing Things Up A Bit

I decided to try a new approach to my weekend.  They way things normally worked was chaotic and stressful.  It didn't seem to be working and I wanted to get some time to myself.  April is going to be a very busy month for me, and I really need to make the most of my time.  So here's what I changed.

I had been doing all of my cleaning, laundry, getting ready for the week on Sunday.  It felt good to have everything ready on Monday morning.  But here was the problem: that wasn't working.  I spent all weekend trying to get enough homework done (as a PhD student, it literally never ends) to give myself permission to clean.  It never worked.  I would spend all weekend worrying about not having enough time and I would get distracted by everything in my house that wasn't clean.  So this week, I changed my cleaning day to Friday.  I don't have class on Friday's, so I stayed home and cleaned.  I got all of the laundry washed, dried, and put away.  Dishes got done.  And I prepped veggies and fruit for snacks for the following week.  Saturday rolled around and I went to work on my homework.  I got SO much more done!  I figured out that doing all of the cleaning on Friday meant I wasn't thinking about it on Saturday and I could actually focus.  By Sunday at nap time, I was done with things that were due this week for my classes (even though there are other things I still need to get done) and I was able to relax on Sunday night.  Even though today didn't go according to plan, I feel like I handled it better because this weekend was less stressful.

Another perk to changing things up: I was actually able to enjoy time with my boys.  Instead of trying to wash dishes or fold laundry while they played, I could concentrate on them.  I didn't feel guilty for playing with my kids.  I used to feel like I should be cleaning or working but then it meant missing out time with the boys.  But if I spent time with the boys, I felt like I should be cleaning or working.  That contradiction never happened this weekend.  It's amazing what changing one little thing can do.

I challenge you to take a good look at routine.  How long has it been since you changed things up?  How long have you been doing the same thing?  And more importantly, is it working?  Really think about it.  Routine is good, but only when it is beneficial to you and your family.  Try something different if it's not doing the job.  If it is working for you, great!  You are probably several steps ahead of the rest of us in that regard.

Maybe it's not your routine that needs changing.  Maybe you should change your hair style or color, maybe try a new style of clothing, experiment with your makeup, rearrange your furniture, whatever!  It's always good to take a step away from your "normal" once in awhile.  You may find something new that you like or you may learn that what you are doing is just fine for you.  Either way, it is valuable information to have.  It's important to do this every once in awhile because as you grow, as your kids grow, as your family grows and changes, what worked once may not work forever.  And let's face it, things can get stagnant.  But no one needs to stay there.

HAVE FUN!

Listen to Your Kids

I am writing this post for two reasons.  First, I want to talk about a situation with our daycare provider and second, I want to encourage all parents out there to really listen to what your kids are telling you and learn to read between the lines.  I am going to preface this by saying that I am not a trained interviewer or anything like that, but I do have a background in child psychology so I had a pretty good idea to handle the situation that came up.  I am hoping that this will help others, but I also encourage parents to get appropriate authorities involved if necessary.

When we first found our daycare, we were very excited.  When we moved to Texas we were upset about leaving the daycare in Missouri because we were so happy with it.  We toured a few daycare facilities that left us unimpressed and then we stumbled on Daycare 1 (I am changing the name for various reasons).  It seemed perfect.  The boys started in August of 2013.  At first, my oldest son was so excited to go and he would cry on the days he couldn't go.  We could only afford for them to go 3 days a week but they were enjoying it a lot.  

Each classroom had 2 teachers.  In our older son's room there was one teacher, Miss Ann (again, I am changing names) that he was really drawn to.  He talked about her and she was very good with him.  The other teacher, Miss Mary, raised our eyebrows a little bit.  She was not as warm, she was short with the kids sometimes, and she seemed to get overwhelmed easily.  We kept an eye on her, but because our son was drawn to Miss Ann we weren't overly concerned.  Around Thanksgiving, Miss Ann got hurt and was moved out of the room.  This put Miss Mary in charge and that was when we started noticing some changes in our son's behavior.  He started getting an attitude and not behaving like himself.  Miss Ann would tell us he had a fine day at school, but then our son would tell us he had a bad day or a hard day.  We thought that it was just a phase; after all, he's 4 and it's not unusual for a kid that age to be somewhat defiant.

Around the same time, we started having issues with the front staff.  There were changes being made to the payment policy that was contrary to the arrangement we had made with the director of the center.  We were getting phone calls at least once, sometimes twice a week asking us when they were getting paid.  Because the boys were part time, we paid on the first day they attended which was Tuesday.  They started asking us to pay the Friday before for the next week.  If we didn't pay, we would get a call Friday and Monday asking us where the payment was.  After talking to the director, it was supposed to stop, but it didn't.  Then a couple of weeks ago we were told that they were going to automatic payments ONLY, meaning they were not taking payments in the center anymore and it would be drafted from our account the Friday before for the week ahead.  We were very uncomfortable about that and the director told us she would find out what, if any, other options would be available.  Several weeks went by with no answers.

My husband starting suggesting we look for a new daycare.  I was hesitant because I liked where they were and it was close to the house.  But he eventually talked me into going to look at some that were cheaper.  We found one that was amazing; smaller classes, caring teachers, didn't cost as much, and reminded us of our daycare in Missouri.  We decided to take the boys to see it, just to see how they would do.  I decided that I wanted to ask my oldest son how he would feel about looking at a new school.  I figured if he was very resistant and wanted to stay where he was, we needed to try to work things out. When I asked him how he felt about looking at a new school, he said, "Yes! A school with out Miss Mary."  A red flag went up in my brain.  I asked him why he wanted a school without Miss Mary.  He said, "She says I'm bad.  She makes me bad."  

At this point, I was very upset.  I called my mom to tell her what he had said.  He wanted to talk to Grandma, so I put her on speaker phone.  He started talking about Miss Mary and said, "She puts me in the corner."  Totally new information to me and I was livid.  However, I kept my feelings to myself because I didn't want him to know I was upset.  One of the things I have learned in my academic career is that you have to control how you react when a child says something like that because if you freak out, they will shut down.  They often think they are in trouble and they don't want to upset you, so if you don't react calmly, they quit talking.  By the time the boys were in bed and my husband got home from work, I was ready to hurt someone.

We discussed it and pulled them out of the daycare.  We did not give the two weeks notice that Daycare 1 requests in the handbook.  On their last day, the director and the account manager (who does the financial stuff) called us over to tell us that we had to give notice.  I told my husband to take the boys outside and I laid into them.  I had spoken with the education coordinator to make sure my oldest son was in a different classroom and had no contact with Miss Mary to finish out the week that we had paid for and I told her that we were done after that.  The director and manager kept saying we needed to pay for another 2 weeks.  I simply said, "I am not comfortable leaving my children in your care, I am not bringing them back, and we are done."  Eventually they let it go.

Only 2 days into the new daycare, I can honestly say I have my son back.  His attitude is almost completely gone and he is laughing and having more fun than he has in awhile.  He is constantly asking when he gets to go back and gets upset when we leave.  Both boys are playing and getting to do activities that wear them out; they are so tired by the end of the day.  That is how a daycare should be.

Now, I want to make a couple of points here.  Everyday my kids went to daycare, I would ask them what they did that day.  My oldest son would tell me what activities he did, but he never mentioned issues with his teacher.  Once I gave him the opportunity to, he opened up.  If you are asking your kids about their day, make sure you ask about their teacher once in awhile.  I really think my son wanted to tell me what was happening, but didn't know how.  Once I opened to door to that conversation, he took full advantage of it.  So don't just ask about activities, ask about friends and teachers, too.

Another thing: BELIEVE YOUR KIDS. From my training, kids are more likely to lie by leaving out information than they are to lie by making up things.  They will tell you something to test you, to see how you react.  If you react calmly, they will continue to talk.  That's what you want.  And unless you have a very strong reason to think otherwise, believe what they are saying to you.  I made sure to tell my son how proud of him I was for telling me the truth about what happened.  I want him to know that he can continue to come to me with problems.  I won't always be able to fix it for him, but in this case I could do something about it.

Last point I want to make: trust your instincts.  I can't help but feel a little guilty about not listening to my gut.  If we would have pulled them when we first starting having reservations, our son would not have gone through this.  If I would have listened to my husband when he first started suggesting we look at others, we could have avoided this whole mess.  While this was a learning experience for all of us, I hope that someone out there reading this will also learn from it and avoid the mistakes we made.  It is OK to demand what you think is best for your children and if you aren't getting it, it's OK to move on.

Now that the boys are in a different daycare, I am working on filing a complaint with Daycare 1.  We were told the teacher would be taken care of, but how do I know other kids in my son's class aren't going through the same thing?  In the end all I can do is bring to the attention of as many people as possible and hope it gets resolved.  Don't be afraid to rock the boat.  I used to worry about what people would think of me and I would avoid confrontation.  As I got older and then after having kids, all of that went out the window.  I will rock the boat as hard as I need to make sure my kids and my family are taken care of appropriately.  But I feel like I also took care of the situation without losing my temper; I handled it without yelling or blowing my top.  I got my point across without having to do that.  Just remember that acting quickly without thinking can do more harm than good.  And I kept remembering something my dad once told me: Having tact means you can tell someone to go to hell and make them think it was their idea to being with.  Be tactful and you will be just as satisfied with the results as if you would have screamed your head off.

At the end of all of this, I can say that I lived and learned, my kids are being taken care of, and you know what else?  It's all OK.

Boys and Girls

I have been thinking about how to approach this post for awhile now.  I just haven't been sure exactly what to say.  But I want to get it out of my head because I think it is more helpful that way.

About 2 months ago, we found out my oldest son needed glasses.  When we went to the store to pick out frames, my husband and I agreed that whatever he picked he could have because it meant he would actually wear them.  It turned into quite a struggle because he didn't want to try any on.  We eventually turned it into a game and he was focused on a pair of frames that had stars on them.  They just happened to be pink.  While my husband and I were trying to keep our younger son occupied and figure out what frames our older son wanted, the assistant leaned over to me and whispered, "Those are girl frames."

DUH.  I knew that.  They were pink, had stars and glitter, and had a well known kitty on them.  I turned to the lady and said, "I know.  But if it means he will wear them, I don't care."  She looked a little taken aback at what I said.  Kudos to her for accepting it and following my lead while talking to my son about them.  He eventually settled on a striped pair that he now calls his "tiger glasses."  But if he had stuck with the girl frames, you bet I would have bought them for him.

Now I'm sure some people reading this will say things like, "Don't you think he'll get made fun of?" or "He's a boy and you should dress him like a boy."  Of course I worried that he would get made fun of, but if they were what he wanted, he would have defended his decision to his friends.  Trust me on this, he is very strong-willed (and that's putting it mildly).  I also know that very few kids would get close enough and pay enough attention to his glasses, so the odds of that happening are pretty low.

Now to address the other issue.  Yes he is a boy and he dresses like a boy; that's what he picks.  But my boys are also fans of Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First, and some other shows that are geared toward girls.  If one of them decided that they wanted a toy or a shirt that was one of those characters, I would buy it for him.  I take the approach that my grandma had: every boy should have a doll and every girl should have a truck.

I have read stories about boys being teased for dressing up in girls clothes to play.  It's interesting that it doesn't always go the other way.  If a boy dresses like a girl, he's labeled a sissy.  Sometimes people even think he might grow up to be gay.  If a girl dresses like a boy, she's a tomboy.  Sometimes people might think she'll become an athlete.  So why does it make a difference?  If I had the answer to that, I would be rich.

I want my sons to be happy.  It took me almost 30 years to figure out what I wanted to do with my life that would make me happy.  I hope they figure it out sooner.  But will I be upset if one of them wants to dance instead of play football?  No.  Will I be upset if one of them wants to be involved in theater instead of basketball? No.  As long as they are doing what they want, I don't care.

You don't have to agree with me.  Parents can do what they think is best for their children.  Just don't force your values or gender roles on your children if they choose something else.  Let them be kids and let them be who they are.  Everyone will be happier for it, and guess what?  It's OK.