Listen to Your Kids

I am writing this post for two reasons.  First, I want to talk about a situation with our daycare provider and second, I want to encourage all parents out there to really listen to what your kids are telling you and learn to read between the lines.  I am going to preface this by saying that I am not a trained interviewer or anything like that, but I do have a background in child psychology so I had a pretty good idea to handle the situation that came up.  I am hoping that this will help others, but I also encourage parents to get appropriate authorities involved if necessary.

When we first found our daycare, we were very excited.  When we moved to Texas we were upset about leaving the daycare in Missouri because we were so happy with it.  We toured a few daycare facilities that left us unimpressed and then we stumbled on Daycare 1 (I am changing the name for various reasons).  It seemed perfect.  The boys started in August of 2013.  At first, my oldest son was so excited to go and he would cry on the days he couldn't go.  We could only afford for them to go 3 days a week but they were enjoying it a lot.  

Each classroom had 2 teachers.  In our older son's room there was one teacher, Miss Ann (again, I am changing names) that he was really drawn to.  He talked about her and she was very good with him.  The other teacher, Miss Mary, raised our eyebrows a little bit.  She was not as warm, she was short with the kids sometimes, and she seemed to get overwhelmed easily.  We kept an eye on her, but because our son was drawn to Miss Ann we weren't overly concerned.  Around Thanksgiving, Miss Ann got hurt and was moved out of the room.  This put Miss Mary in charge and that was when we started noticing some changes in our son's behavior.  He started getting an attitude and not behaving like himself.  Miss Ann would tell us he had a fine day at school, but then our son would tell us he had a bad day or a hard day.  We thought that it was just a phase; after all, he's 4 and it's not unusual for a kid that age to be somewhat defiant.

Around the same time, we started having issues with the front staff.  There were changes being made to the payment policy that was contrary to the arrangement we had made with the director of the center.  We were getting phone calls at least once, sometimes twice a week asking us when they were getting paid.  Because the boys were part time, we paid on the first day they attended which was Tuesday.  They started asking us to pay the Friday before for the next week.  If we didn't pay, we would get a call Friday and Monday asking us where the payment was.  After talking to the director, it was supposed to stop, but it didn't.  Then a couple of weeks ago we were told that they were going to automatic payments ONLY, meaning they were not taking payments in the center anymore and it would be drafted from our account the Friday before for the week ahead.  We were very uncomfortable about that and the director told us she would find out what, if any, other options would be available.  Several weeks went by with no answers.

My husband starting suggesting we look for a new daycare.  I was hesitant because I liked where they were and it was close to the house.  But he eventually talked me into going to look at some that were cheaper.  We found one that was amazing; smaller classes, caring teachers, didn't cost as much, and reminded us of our daycare in Missouri.  We decided to take the boys to see it, just to see how they would do.  I decided that I wanted to ask my oldest son how he would feel about looking at a new school.  I figured if he was very resistant and wanted to stay where he was, we needed to try to work things out. When I asked him how he felt about looking at a new school, he said, "Yes! A school with out Miss Mary."  A red flag went up in my brain.  I asked him why he wanted a school without Miss Mary.  He said, "She says I'm bad.  She makes me bad."  

At this point, I was very upset.  I called my mom to tell her what he had said.  He wanted to talk to Grandma, so I put her on speaker phone.  He started talking about Miss Mary and said, "She puts me in the corner."  Totally new information to me and I was livid.  However, I kept my feelings to myself because I didn't want him to know I was upset.  One of the things I have learned in my academic career is that you have to control how you react when a child says something like that because if you freak out, they will shut down.  They often think they are in trouble and they don't want to upset you, so if you don't react calmly, they quit talking.  By the time the boys were in bed and my husband got home from work, I was ready to hurt someone.

We discussed it and pulled them out of the daycare.  We did not give the two weeks notice that Daycare 1 requests in the handbook.  On their last day, the director and the account manager (who does the financial stuff) called us over to tell us that we had to give notice.  I told my husband to take the boys outside and I laid into them.  I had spoken with the education coordinator to make sure my oldest son was in a different classroom and had no contact with Miss Mary to finish out the week that we had paid for and I told her that we were done after that.  The director and manager kept saying we needed to pay for another 2 weeks.  I simply said, "I am not comfortable leaving my children in your care, I am not bringing them back, and we are done."  Eventually they let it go.

Only 2 days into the new daycare, I can honestly say I have my son back.  His attitude is almost completely gone and he is laughing and having more fun than he has in awhile.  He is constantly asking when he gets to go back and gets upset when we leave.  Both boys are playing and getting to do activities that wear them out; they are so tired by the end of the day.  That is how a daycare should be.

Now, I want to make a couple of points here.  Everyday my kids went to daycare, I would ask them what they did that day.  My oldest son would tell me what activities he did, but he never mentioned issues with his teacher.  Once I gave him the opportunity to, he opened up.  If you are asking your kids about their day, make sure you ask about their teacher once in awhile.  I really think my son wanted to tell me what was happening, but didn't know how.  Once I opened to door to that conversation, he took full advantage of it.  So don't just ask about activities, ask about friends and teachers, too.

Another thing: BELIEVE YOUR KIDS. From my training, kids are more likely to lie by leaving out information than they are to lie by making up things.  They will tell you something to test you, to see how you react.  If you react calmly, they will continue to talk.  That's what you want.  And unless you have a very strong reason to think otherwise, believe what they are saying to you.  I made sure to tell my son how proud of him I was for telling me the truth about what happened.  I want him to know that he can continue to come to me with problems.  I won't always be able to fix it for him, but in this case I could do something about it.

Last point I want to make: trust your instincts.  I can't help but feel a little guilty about not listening to my gut.  If we would have pulled them when we first starting having reservations, our son would not have gone through this.  If I would have listened to my husband when he first started suggesting we look at others, we could have avoided this whole mess.  While this was a learning experience for all of us, I hope that someone out there reading this will also learn from it and avoid the mistakes we made.  It is OK to demand what you think is best for your children and if you aren't getting it, it's OK to move on.

Now that the boys are in a different daycare, I am working on filing a complaint with Daycare 1.  We were told the teacher would be taken care of, but how do I know other kids in my son's class aren't going through the same thing?  In the end all I can do is bring to the attention of as many people as possible and hope it gets resolved.  Don't be afraid to rock the boat.  I used to worry about what people would think of me and I would avoid confrontation.  As I got older and then after having kids, all of that went out the window.  I will rock the boat as hard as I need to make sure my kids and my family are taken care of appropriately.  But I feel like I also took care of the situation without losing my temper; I handled it without yelling or blowing my top.  I got my point across without having to do that.  Just remember that acting quickly without thinking can do more harm than good.  And I kept remembering something my dad once told me: Having tact means you can tell someone to go to hell and make them think it was their idea to being with.  Be tactful and you will be just as satisfied with the results as if you would have screamed your head off.

At the end of all of this, I can say that I lived and learned, my kids are being taken care of, and you know what else?  It's all OK.

Boys and Girls

I have been thinking about how to approach this post for awhile now.  I just haven't been sure exactly what to say.  But I want to get it out of my head because I think it is more helpful that way.

About 2 months ago, we found out my oldest son needed glasses.  When we went to the store to pick out frames, my husband and I agreed that whatever he picked he could have because it meant he would actually wear them.  It turned into quite a struggle because he didn't want to try any on.  We eventually turned it into a game and he was focused on a pair of frames that had stars on them.  They just happened to be pink.  While my husband and I were trying to keep our younger son occupied and figure out what frames our older son wanted, the assistant leaned over to me and whispered, "Those are girl frames."

DUH.  I knew that.  They were pink, had stars and glitter, and had a well known kitty on them.  I turned to the lady and said, "I know.  But if it means he will wear them, I don't care."  She looked a little taken aback at what I said.  Kudos to her for accepting it and following my lead while talking to my son about them.  He eventually settled on a striped pair that he now calls his "tiger glasses."  But if he had stuck with the girl frames, you bet I would have bought them for him.

Now I'm sure some people reading this will say things like, "Don't you think he'll get made fun of?" or "He's a boy and you should dress him like a boy."  Of course I worried that he would get made fun of, but if they were what he wanted, he would have defended his decision to his friends.  Trust me on this, he is very strong-willed (and that's putting it mildly).  I also know that very few kids would get close enough and pay enough attention to his glasses, so the odds of that happening are pretty low.

Now to address the other issue.  Yes he is a boy and he dresses like a boy; that's what he picks.  But my boys are also fans of Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First, and some other shows that are geared toward girls.  If one of them decided that they wanted a toy or a shirt that was one of those characters, I would buy it for him.  I take the approach that my grandma had: every boy should have a doll and every girl should have a truck.

I have read stories about boys being teased for dressing up in girls clothes to play.  It's interesting that it doesn't always go the other way.  If a boy dresses like a girl, he's labeled a sissy.  Sometimes people even think he might grow up to be gay.  If a girl dresses like a boy, she's a tomboy.  Sometimes people might think she'll become an athlete.  So why does it make a difference?  If I had the answer to that, I would be rich.

I want my sons to be happy.  It took me almost 30 years to figure out what I wanted to do with my life that would make me happy.  I hope they figure it out sooner.  But will I be upset if one of them wants to dance instead of play football?  No.  Will I be upset if one of them wants to be involved in theater instead of basketball? No.  As long as they are doing what they want, I don't care.

You don't have to agree with me.  Parents can do what they think is best for their children.  Just don't force your values or gender roles on your children if they choose something else.  Let them be kids and let them be who they are.  Everyone will be happier for it, and guess what?  It's OK.

Resolutions: Yes or No?

I've seen a few people on my Facebook page talking about New Year's resolutions.  It got me thinking: should I make one or should I make none?  In December of 2011, I wrote a note on Facebook (notes were all the rage at that time) about making what I called non-resolutions.  Here's what I wrote then:

Ok, I have been thinking a lot about resolutions and the ones everyone always makes.  Lose weight, stop smoking, exercise, blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to make resolutions I know I won't keep.  So here is my list of things that I am NOT going to do instead of things I say I will do and won't.  Hence, non-resolutions.  All the experts say to use positive language in your resolutions, but I am going to break that rule here today. 

1. I am NOT going to feel bad for enjoying food.  Yes, I will still watch my weight and eat healthy as much as I can, but little pleasures are good for everybody.  And, as my former Weight Watchers Leader told me, I can enjoy foods I like and still get to a healthy weight.
2. I am NOT going to feel like a bad mom for making decisions I think are best for my kids.  Or even making decisions I regret later.  My kids are not going to come to me in 30 years and say, "My life is in ruins because you didn't breastfeed me until I was a year old, made me eat my veggies, didn't bathe me everyday, and didn't give me a set bedtime."
3. I am NOT going to feel bad for having a less than hospital clean house.  I have 2 little kids and if I followed them around cleaning, I would never get anything else done.  It is ok if the floor is dirty, the dishes aren't always done before I go to bed and the laundry sits in baskets for a few days.  As one of my KLASS kiddos so eloquently put it, "My daddy said God made dirt so dirt don't hurt."
4. I am NOT going to feel bad for taking time out for myself.  If I don't, I may go crazy and go out with my pants on backwards or two different shoes on.
5. I am NOT going to be upset if things don't go as planned.  Life happens right?  So why not just go with the flow.  Human beings adapt well and it's good for us to have surprises in life.  Who cares if the surprise is Ben fingerpainting with his poop or Marc suddenly rolling into a dog drool spot?

So here they are!  My 2012 Non-Resolutions.  Anybody care to join me in the new year?

I think I did ok with most of them.  I have certainly been more accepting of life's surprises and my house is only clean for about 5 minutes before company shows up.  I still have to work on taking time out for myself, but I think every mom struggles with that to a certain extent.  And if you're a mom and you have that part figured out, will you please let the rest of us know how to do it?

What kinds of resolutions or non-resolutions do you want to make?  I firmly believe that when I wrote these two years ago, I had no idea if I would be able to do any of them.  I also know that when I wrote these, I was a tired mama with a 2 year old and a 6 month old and I knew there was no way I could realistically do any more than this.  In all honesty, don't make resolutions you know you won't keep or make the same ones you made last year.  Try something new, if you want to do resolutions.  It may lead you to a place you never expected.  And those adventures can be some of the best.

Where Did the Holiday Spirit Go?

Today I have a topic on my mind and I hesitate to write about it.  Not because I might make some enemies (which will probably happen), but because I'm ready to call out society on something that I think is a BIG issue.  Still with me?  Ok, here we go.

When I was a kid, I remember Christmas as an almost sacred experience.  I'm not talking about religion here, but the fact that everything shut down for Christmas Day.  With the exception of medical staff, emergency services, travel, and things like that, the whole world seemed to stop that day.  People weren't running around on Christmas Eve buying last minute presents or trying to get good deals.  If they did go out, it was to make sure they had everything they needed before stores closed up shop for the holiday.  Nobody would even think about touching Christmas Day; it was too important.

I'm not that old, either.  I'm almost 30, but that kind of mentality was there (so don't go thinking that I'm referring to the "good old days" from the 1950's because I'm not).  Why am I talking about this now?  Because I just found out that my husband has to work on Christmas Day.  Now, if he were a police officer, a firefighter, a doctor, or something like that, I would be ok with it.  That's a part of the job that people in those professions (among others) take on.  But he isn't any of those things.  Know what he does?  He's a SERVER.  In a restaurant.

Let that sink in for a minute.  He is going to be waiting tables for 12 hours on Christmas Day because the place he works for decided to be open (they were open on Thanksgiving Day as well).  They also decided that everyone who works on Christmas works a double shift, open to close.  Which means we are going to rearrange Christmas for our 2 boys, who are now 2 and 4.  They won't know because neither of them can read a calendar.  If we tell them it's Christmas, they will think it's Christmas.  But that isn't the point here.  The point is that we have to do it at all.

More and more places have started staying open at times that I think are ridiculous.  It started with small holidays: Memorial Day and Labor Day, things like that.  Then it started spreading.  Now stores are open on Thanksgiving Day for Black "Friday" specials.  To be fair, I have been Black Friday shopping a handful of times, but I always went as a personal favor to my sister.  And I have not, and will not, go out on Thanksgiving.  EVER.  Want to know why?  Because it's not fair to the people who have to sacrifice their holiday to deal with people who are ready to beat each other up to save a few bucks.  I worked Toys R Us on a Black Friday when I was in high school; it was one of the worst days of my life.  And people die on Black Friday, folks.  Want to explain to your kids that someone you love DIED to try to save money?  That is not a conversation I want to have or be the subject of.

Our society is forgetting how magical Christmas should be.  We are forgetting that it shouldn't be about presents (I mean really, who gives a car with a huge red bow on it as a gift?  Here, I bought you a present and you'll be making monthly payments on it for the 5 years!).  It should be about family, friends, and creating memories.  I am trying to prepare myself to raise my boys in a society that is slowly and surely loosing its grasp on what is important.  How am I going to explain that to them?  I don't have a clue.  But as long as they live in my house, they will understand that our family comes first and Christmas is a day that should serve as a reminder of that.  Every holiday should be a reminder of that.

If we, as a society, forget what should be important, what else is going to suffer?  Some companies are already paying employees extra for NOT using their vacation days.  Leisure time is starting to increase for Americans but we are still way behind other countries.   Just Google "how many weeks of vacation do Europeans get?" and start reading.  I think you'll be surprised. 

For those of you who think my husband and I are selling out because, yes, he is going to go to work on Christmas Day, think again.  We discussed the possibility of him just not going.  But the place he works for recently brought the hammer down and if he doesn't show, he runs the risk of getting fired.  And right now, we simply cannot take that risk.  Isn't that what happens to a lot of people?  People get sucked in to a job and then can't get out.  But it isn't just people working crummy jobs, there is a demand, too.  Stores are opening earlier around Thanksgiving because that's what people "want" and people show up.  At the risk of sounding harsh, if you shopped at a store on Thanksgiving Day, you are part of the problem.

So how do we fix it?  I don't have a good answer for that.  I can tell you what we are doing.  First, we shop for our kids throughout the year.  We watch sales in the paper and online, we browse the clearance aisles as stores, and we sign up for emails to places that advertise good deals.  For example, we got an Angry Birds bike, already assembled, for our oldest son for Christmas for $25.  It was the floor model from Wal-Mart.  If we wouldn't have been looking, we probably wouldn't have found it.  Second, by shopping this way, it is much easier on our budget.  Instead of trying to spend several hundred dollars at once or making said money stretch as far as possible, we are able to absorb the cost over the course of the year.  Third, in our house, we do not go out on holidays.  We plan ahead and make sure we have everything we need beforehand.  And if we forget something, too bad so sad.  We do without.  This year it meant I didn't get stuffing on Thanksgiving because we forgot the bacon in my great-grandmother's recipe.  So I'll be making it for Christmas instead.  Guess what?  I survived.  And lastly, we make sure our kids understand how important family is.  We don't really talk about it at their age, but we show it.  We spend time together and do fun things to create memories with each other.  And THAT, is the most important thing.

Ok, I think my rant is over. 

The "Truth" About Santa Claus

I have been seeing things on Facebook during this holiday season that are starting to get on my nerves.  The biggest one is that some parents are putting down other parents for "lying" to their children.  About what, you ask?  SANTA CLAUS.  Are you kidding me?  I take offense to this because my boys do believe in Santa Claus and as far as I'm concerned, I will do whatever it takes to let them believe as long I can.

I believed in Santa growing up.  I have some amazing and fantastic memories of things Santa did.  And none of those memories, NONE OF THEM, ever changed even when I stopped believing in Santa Claus as a single person.  As an adult, I do still believe in Santa, but in a different way.  Those people who go around paying lay-aways that are about to be cancelled?  That's Santa.  The people who put thousands of dollars or rare coins in the Salvation Army pots?  That's Santa.  All of the people who donated money and toys to non-profits?  That's Santa.  Santa DOES exists, if you choose to believe in him.

The people who say I am lying to my children, in my opinion, are wrong.  When they are old enough to start asking questions, I will tell them that Santa is not the person they thought he was.  But I will also show them how to be Santa for others.  I seriously doubt there are children out there who are permanently scarred for life because they found out the truth about Santa Claus.  And if there are, there is probably more to the story.

Will I "lie" to my children about the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and Fred (our Elf on the Shelf)?  Absolutely.  Because childhood is a magical time and place; it only happens once.  I feel like it is my job as a parent to make it as special and as magical as possible.  It will grow their minds and their imaginations.  It will teach them how to dream and how to have fun.  Will they be disappointed when they no longer believe with that childlike faith?  I'm sure they will.  But they will ALWAYS have the memories I helped create for them.  Nothing can take that away from them.

The people who say I am teaching my children to be dishonest, in my opinion, are again wrong.  Santa taught me how to give without expecting anything in return.  Think about it: Santa flies all over the world to give gifts to good children.  What does he ask for in return?  NOTHING.  Sure, he gets cookies and milk, but not every family can do that.  Does he punish families that don't leave him food?  Of course not.  He gives out of the goodness of his heart, because he loves you.  Is that a bad thing to teach my children?  I don't think so.  I would hope they learn to be generous to people who are less fortunate.  My boys won't remember the Christmas that we only had toys because they were donated to us.  I was laid off of work while pregnant and all our savings was spent on survival.  People I don't know, I will never know, made donations to local organizations to help families like us.  If I can teach my boys to do the same once they are old enough, then sure, I will "lie" about Santa Claus.

Just to be clear, I am not condemning any parent for his or her choices.  Every parent is free to teach their children what they want.  Just don't tell me I am damaging MY children for allowing them to believe in Santa Claus.  And deep down, don't we all want to believe?

Chase Your Dreams

So, I just finished my first semester as a doctoral student.  I don't have my grades back yet, but I am sort of freaking out that I'm going to be getting at least one B.  I'm not used to getting B's, I get A's, that's why I'm in a doctoral program.  Other than the fact that I am a big nerd and I love this stuff.  As I have been trying to accept this, I came to a few realizations and have been focusing on what I did accomplish.

I DID read 161 articles, books, book chapters, and other readings for my classes and the work I was doing.  HOLY COW.  Seeing it in numbers makes it seem ridiculous.  But, I DID IT.  I did it with 2 kids and I did it all on time.

I DID all of my assignments, turned them in on time, and I never asked for special treatment or an extension because of my kids.  That included weekly summaries, 2 term papers, a book review, and 4 problem sets for statistics.  I made time for all of my work, even if it meant drinking a huge amount of coffee to combat my lack of sleep.

I DID tuck my kids in to bed every night and read them stories.  I was always here to say good night.  That's a big deal for me.  I've always wanted to make sure that happened, and it has been accomplished.

I DID survive an enormous amount of health/behavior issues with my kids.  The first weekend after classes started, my youngest son had to spend the night in the hospital for croup.  My oldest son has been diagnosed with a lazy eye and has to wear a patch and glasses.  To find this out, it meant driving over an hour into Houston to see a specialist.  My youngest son became a biter at daycare because he was frustrated.  He was evaluated and found to have a communication delay, which now means therapy twice a month.  We've had wellness checks at the doctor for both of them.  We are working on seeing an audiologist for my youngest son to make sure his hearing is not impacting his speech.  But I was there for every appointment.

I am not telling you all of this to brag (OK, maybe a little).  I am trying to make a point.  I did all of this because it was what I wanted. I want to be a good mom, and I am.  I want to be a student, and I am.  I want to earn my PhD, and I am.  I am doing what I love, doing what I want and because of that, I am making it work.  Everyone should be fortunate enough to be able to do that.  If you are not following your dreams because you are scared, don't be.  If you are worried about being able to do it all, don't be.  If you are afraid it will take you away from your children, don't be.  If it is truly what you want, you can make it work.  It will be hard.  It will be tiring.  It will be stressful.  At times, you will want to give up. DON'T.  At times, you will doubt yourself.  DON'T.

You will be so glad you did.  Trust me.

A Reflection of Marriage

Today my husband and I are celebrating 8 years of marriage. We have been a couple for a total of 12 years. In that time, we have learned some valuable lessons. I feel the need to share them, even if nobody asked. Take what works for you and leave the rest. And if none of it works for you, that's ok too.

Lesson #1: We are a fairly unconventional couple. We pretty much do what we want, when we want. For example, in 2007 we took a road trip for vacation. We did not plan it, we did not book anything ahead of time. We packed up the truck and started driving. It was the best vacation ever, besides our honeymoon. We also decided when we wanted to start a family and just went for it. When I found out I was pregnant with our oldest son, I was still writing my thesis for my Master's degree. Didn't matter to us. I became pregnant with our younger son when the oldest was 9 months old. Again, didn't matter to us. It was what we wanted and we are still happy with our decisions.

Lesson #2: We are not perfect. We are not a perfect couple, nor are we perfect individuals. We have made mistakes together and on our own. But we have learned from them, which is very important. I think some people go into a marriage thinking that everything will be rosy and wonderful. But that's like promising yourself you are going to go to the gym every single day. It is an unrealistic expectation and then you give up because you couldn't do it perfectly. Well, I've got news for you. Marriage is far from perfect. Couples will fight. Couples will go to bed angry (which is ok to do, by the way). But don't throw your marriage away because you are going through a rough patch. Every couple has them. The best couples are the ones who fought through it.

Lesson #3: We are not traditional parents. Of course we want to teach our boys traditional values. That's not what I'm talking about. And I also don't mean that we belong to some strange religion or follow some weird diet. Our boys are SUPER energetic which means we often have to be creative in getting their energy out. For example, when our oldest son started yelling in the house, the traditional "inside/outside voice" talk did nothing. I was getting so frustrated that I finally started letting him stand on the front stoop and scream as much as he wanted until he said he was done. Problem solved. May have ticked off our neighbors, though.

Lesson #4: I may get some flack for this, but we don't say "I love you" all the time. I had someone ask me about it once. I was on they phone with my husband and we said goodbye without saying "I love you." He asked me why we didn't do that. Here's the deal. We talk all day, every day. We don't say it all the time because we save it. It still really means something when we say it. I think if we said it all the time, it wouldn't mean as much. I've had people say, "What if something happened and you didn't tell him you loved him the last time you talked to him?" I would be ok. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Our act of talking throughout the day says it. We have several "looks" we give each other that say it. His tone of voice will say it. Our actions say it. It doesn't always have to be in words.

Every marriage is different and every couple is different. People today have to find what works for them even if the rest of the world disagrees. I think people don't take marriage seriously, either. My husband and I took our vows to heart. We have never had a divorce talk. That has never been an option. We've done counseling when we had problems we couldn't seem to work out together. It was like having a mediator and it was very helpful.

As we close in on 10 years, I'm sure we have a lot more to learn. We will encounter things we don't know how to handle. We will make more mistakes, together and separately. But that is life. That is marriage. And that's how we roll.