Giving Thanks

It's November and that means everyone on social media is now listing things they are thankful for every day. I usually do not partake in this, because I feel like keeping things to myself most of the time. And I often forget to do it, which causes stress for me because then I feel like I have to make up for it and it's just a vicious cycle that makes being thankful feel like a chore instead of feeling actual gratitude. But this year, I have a lot to be thankful for and I thought it would be better to lay things out here instead of on a daily basis.

I am at a point in my life that I never dreamed of. I have a job that was never on my radar while I was in college as an undergraduate. But this job makes me very happy, my coworkers are fantastic, and I have a schedule flexible enough to be home with my family more than most people get to. When my boys were born, I missed them so much while I was at work. I remember asking other moms how they dealt with it and a lot of them said the feeling never goes away, it just gets easier.  And I had trouble with that. I understand that the feeling of missing your children while at work/school diminishes as everyone gets used to a schedule. But I never thought it should be easy. For many parents, missing your kids might be an underlying feeling that doesn't get recognized on a regular basis, even though it's still there. But I never wanted to NOT feel that way. Missing them makes me appreciate them more when I am with them. And it helps them appreciate me. When I get home on the days I have to be in my office, I am always greeted by hugs, kisses, and a chorus of "I missed you, mommy!" and "I'm glad you're back!" This is important to me because when we had a more traditional schedule, I didn't get hugs, kisses, and a chorus of "I missed you, mommy!" and "I'm glad you're back!" Because we get more time as a family, we appreciate our time away as well as when we get back together.

I do not say this to knock families that function well in a more traditional sense. And I'm not saying that the way our family functions would work for everyone. What I am saying is that I made a choice to not settle when people told me I had no choice. I fought, alongside my husband,  to make choices and options for our family that worked best for us. We did not accept that we had no other options. We did not accept that we did not have to be happy. We did not settle and the fight was so worth it.

I am also thankful that this job has allowed us to homeschool our boys. I can work from home to help be a part of it. And it allows us to seek all of the therapies they need to help them be successful and happy. It was a very difficult decision to make and we have had challenges. It's not easy, but it's what is best for the boys, and I'm thankful that we have the ability to choose what is best.

I am thankful that my husband did not have to rush into a job he doesn't want or like. My job takes care of our bills and while it's not making us wealthy, it allows my hubby to make better, informed choices. He spent the last 3 years working a job he hated so I could pursue my dreams and get the job I have. So the fact that this job is now also benefiting him makes me feel happy as well.

I'm thankful for our uniqueness as individuals and as a family. I'm thankful for our ability to live life the way we want and not accept anything less. I'm thankful for a husband who works with me in this and considers all options with me, regardless of what others say or do. I'm thankful we are not a traditional family. Because I think we would all be bored and unhappy trying to fit into that definition of a family.

My hope for you is that you can be thankful for your family, however it works for you. That you make choices that are best for you and your family, regardless of what others are doing or saying. If you don't like how things are going in your life, I hope that you have the courage and support to make the changes you want. Because you deserve to be thankful and happy, too.

To the Man Who Gave My Son "The Look"

I've seen a lot of posts on various pages and blogs where the author writes a letter to a person, explaining some kind of situation or encounter involving their children. Many that I've read have been on sites for parents with children with special needs, medical issues, or something that makes a child "not normal." I never planned on writing one, even though I have special needs children. I didn't plan to write one because I don't particularly care what other people think about me or my children. My husband and I love them, our families love them, and that's all that matters. But I find myself with something to say anyway.

Dear Man Who Gave My Son "The Look",

I noticed you playing with your children at the park. I noticed you because, unlike a lot of parents I see, you were playing tag with your kids (no judgement, I know some parents use the park as a way to take a break). I thought it was great.

We showed up, two very rambunctious boys in tow. The thing that makes us stand out is usually my youngest son. He always wears a hat; not totally out of the ordinary but he always wears a train engineer's hat that used to belong to my grandfather. He is very protective of it, which can sometimes cause problems. He also wears what is comfortable, which means he doesn't always match and sometimes he downright clashes (but he is SO adorable). And on this day, he was also wearing one red glove and carrying a metal lunchbox (which was from Christmas) full of Thomas mini trains.

I saw you notice him. I saw "the look" we often get. You seemed a little confused or unsure about what to think. But, you didn't say anything, and you didn't tell your kids not to play with him. When they wanted him to join their fun, you just stood back. I was surprised, based on your initial reaction. I thought you would try to redirect them or distract them, but you didn't.

And then his lunchbox came open, spilling his mini trains all over the ground. He started getting really upset. Let me pause here. You don't know that he has autism. You don't know that his trains spilling put him on the verge of a meltdown. And as his mother, I could see the thunderclouds coming. I was getting ready to step in, when you did.

You were still playing with your children, very close to where my son spilled his trains. Before I could get to him, you and your children helped him. All three of you walked over and started helping him pick up his trains. I was so happy to see that, but for more than the reasons you think. Yes, I was happy to see you and your children help my son. But in doing that, you also kept him from getting wood chips on his one glove. Which meant I did not have to deal with another potential meltdown when I would have to take his glove off to remove the wood chips because the wood chips would have also caused a potential meltdown. You made his day, and mine.

Thank you, for everything, even though you'll probably never know.

Learning About Mama

This year has been quite interesting for me. As a family, we are making some major changes (but that's for another time). I've also gone down a road of self-discovery, which has been very informative, albeit unplanned. Regardless of how or why this happened, I'm so glad it did. For me, it's not all about learning new things about myself but also admitting things that I never really thought much about before. Here's what I've learned so far:

Realization #1. My relationship with coffee is complicated. I drink a lot of coffee. Mostly because I have two young(ish) children, both very high energy and both special needs. I'm tired ALL. THE. TIME. I need caffeine to get through the day. But here's where the admissions/confessions start. I don't like coffee that much. Ok, I do like it some. But I don't like that I need it so much. I hardly taste it anymore because I drink so much and I would honestly rather drink something else. I really prefer hot tea. It's so much more flavorful to me. I drink coffee over tea because I need the caffeine and because that's kind of expected of me.

Realization #2. Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE mint. Peppermint, spearmint, wintergreen, doesn't matter. I love it all! In fact, I used to eat toothpaste as a kid because I like it so much (and I'm not joking). I have discovered another flavor I enjoy almost as much: cinnamon. This has been really fun for me. It started with cinnamon tea from my sister. Oh my goodness, it was SO yummy! So I started exploring this. Cinnamon ice cream is good too, especially with almonds. But the cinnamon tea, Chai, anything like that is my new obsession.

Realization #3. This is probably going to make me some enemies but here it goes: I don't really like chocolate. It's ok. I eat it from time to time, usually combined with mint (see Realization #2). But if given the choice between chocolate and something else, I will usually pick something else. It's just not really my thing. But again, it's kind of an expectation that women like wine and chocolate - I don't really like either one.

Realization #4. I am freaking awesome! Ok, this isn't really a new realization. What has been new, however, is how often I'm reminded of it. And I'm not sure if I'm being reminded of it more or if I'm actively seeing it more. But does it matter? Nope! I know I'm awesome. An awesome mom, an awesome wife, an awesome woman, an awesome professional, I'm just awesome. And I don't care if nobody but me sees it. Which is a pretty cool feeling.

So what do I do with these realizations? For starters, I need to act on them. I don't like coffee as much as I like tea, so I need to start drinking more tea. And since I've discovered my new love of cinnamon, I should start trying teas with cinnamon flavors. I'm sure those things will lead to even more realizations.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because I want all of YOU to start down a road of self-discovery, too. Mine was unintentional, but yours can be your own doing. Start thinking about things you like or don't like. Have you been honest with yourself and others about these things? If not, you should. If it means making changes in your life, do it! I promise it will be worth it. Maybe it will lead to even more discovery, which would be so fun! Whether you are dropping things you don't like or adding things you do like, wouldn't that make life so much better?

The other reason I'm telling you this is because we all deserve to realize how awesome we are. And I want that for all of you. It will take time and it might not be easy, but you know what? It's OK.

Things that Remain Unsaid

I know it's been awhile since I've been able to write a new post. Most of it is because I have been working A LOT lately. And that's actually what got me thinking and sparked the idea for this post.

I work in a field that usually has men outnumbering women. And women with children tend to be even more rare, because many women feel torn between pursuing their career and having a family. This puts me in a unique position, because I am pursuing my career and I have a family. People often make assumptions about me because I have kids, and the assumptions are usually unspoken to me (or at least unspoken to my face). Anyway, this got me thinking about several blog posts other people have written about things not to say to working mothers. But there are also a lot of things that would be helpful to hear, but are often not said for whatever reason. So here is my list of things that remain unsaid, but would be helpful if actually spoken.

1. "You are doing a great job, at everything."
A working mom may hear things like, "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you manage it all?" This is nice, but I told one my coworkers once that if she was looking for advice on how to do it all, I had nothing. I do what I do because it needs to be done. And if I don't do it, whether it involves my kids or it's work related, nobody else will. A working mom may also hear, "You are a great mom." That usually comes from family members who are trying to encourage her, which is also nice to hear. But it is also nice to hear, from anyone, that she is doing a great job at everything: as a mother, at work, as a whole.

2. "When can you go out with us/have lunch with us?"
When I first started my job, I was invited out a lot but very rarely could I go out. I work days, my husband works nights and weekends, so I usually had to be home to watch the kids. So I often said no. Eventually the invitations started to wane, and then they stopped completely. I knew it was coming, but it still makes life lonely when people stop inviting you to do things. I often don't feel like part of the group and that can be hurtful. When I would try to do the inviting, I would end up with several accepting, but then usually backing out for various reasons. For example, I was supposed to have breakfast with about 6 six people one morning before work. By the time I left home are started toward the restaurant, everyone cancelled in the matter of about 30 minutes. A working mom would love to not only be invited, but also be asked when it's convenient for her to join. Even if it's just coffee, it can mean the world to her just to be included.

3. "What can I do to help you?"
Not all, but many, working moms feel overwhelmed by everything they need to do. And sometimes, things can seem so overwhelming, she doesn't even know how to ask for help. But if someone were to make an offer of help, that can open to door for her. The catch to this one: don't ask if you aren't actually willing to help. And be prepared to do what she asks. Nothing would be more harmful for her than to have someone offer her help and then renege the offer. Say it if you mean it.

4. "Let's do something that includes your kids."
A working mom is already away from her kids more than she wants to be. So if she's invited to something outside of normal work hours, she may be hesitant to accept the invitation even if she can go. It would mean a lot to suggest going somewhere that she can bring her kids with her. Going to a park, the play area at the mall, even the library where her kids can play on the computers or look at books. Even suggest her house, that way her kids have their own toys to play with and she may not have to watch them as close as she would in public. That means she can enjoy her time more.

5. "You look nice today."
A working mom is lucky to get out of the house in the morning with all of her clothes on, her hair relatively in place, maybe mascara but that's if she's lucky. It means a lot to women in general, but mom's in particular, to get compliments. A working mom especially needs them, because she may not be hearing them in other places. This is not a knock on spouses/partners; family life is hard on everyone. A working mom's partner is just as tired and stressed as she is. Hearing a compliment from someone at work could be just what she needs to brighten her day.

This is not an exhaustive list, but these are things that I know I would like to hear. I hope you are on the receiving end of one of these unspoken things. Or maybe, you can do it for someone else.