Things that Remain Unsaid

I know it's been awhile since I've been able to write a new post. Most of it is because I have been working A LOT lately. And that's actually what got me thinking and sparked the idea for this post.

I work in a field that usually has men outnumbering women. And women with children tend to be even more rare, because many women feel torn between pursuing their career and having a family. This puts me in a unique position, because I am pursuing my career and I have a family. People often make assumptions about me because I have kids, and the assumptions are usually unspoken to me (or at least unspoken to my face). Anyway, this got me thinking about several blog posts other people have written about things not to say to working mothers. But there are also a lot of things that would be helpful to hear, but are often not said for whatever reason. So here is my list of things that remain unsaid, but would be helpful if actually spoken.

1. "You are doing a great job, at everything."
A working mom may hear things like, "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you manage it all?" This is nice, but I told one my coworkers once that if she was looking for advice on how to do it all, I had nothing. I do what I do because it needs to be done. And if I don't do it, whether it involves my kids or it's work related, nobody else will. A working mom may also hear, "You are a great mom." That usually comes from family members who are trying to encourage her, which is also nice to hear. But it is also nice to hear, from anyone, that she is doing a great job at everything: as a mother, at work, as a whole.

2. "When can you go out with us/have lunch with us?"
When I first started my job, I was invited out a lot but very rarely could I go out. I work days, my husband works nights and weekends, so I usually had to be home to watch the kids. So I often said no. Eventually the invitations started to wane, and then they stopped completely. I knew it was coming, but it still makes life lonely when people stop inviting you to do things. I often don't feel like part of the group and that can be hurtful. When I would try to do the inviting, I would end up with several accepting, but then usually backing out for various reasons. For example, I was supposed to have breakfast with about 6 six people one morning before work. By the time I left home are started toward the restaurant, everyone cancelled in the matter of about 30 minutes. A working mom would love to not only be invited, but also be asked when it's convenient for her to join. Even if it's just coffee, it can mean the world to her just to be included.

3. "What can I do to help you?"
Not all, but many, working moms feel overwhelmed by everything they need to do. And sometimes, things can seem so overwhelming, she doesn't even know how to ask for help. But if someone were to make an offer of help, that can open to door for her. The catch to this one: don't ask if you aren't actually willing to help. And be prepared to do what she asks. Nothing would be more harmful for her than to have someone offer her help and then renege the offer. Say it if you mean it.

4. "Let's do something that includes your kids."
A working mom is already away from her kids more than she wants to be. So if she's invited to something outside of normal work hours, she may be hesitant to accept the invitation even if she can go. It would mean a lot to suggest going somewhere that she can bring her kids with her. Going to a park, the play area at the mall, even the library where her kids can play on the computers or look at books. Even suggest her house, that way her kids have their own toys to play with and she may not have to watch them as close as she would in public. That means she can enjoy her time more.

5. "You look nice today."
A working mom is lucky to get out of the house in the morning with all of her clothes on, her hair relatively in place, maybe mascara but that's if she's lucky. It means a lot to women in general, but mom's in particular, to get compliments. A working mom especially needs them, because she may not be hearing them in other places. This is not a knock on spouses/partners; family life is hard on everyone. A working mom's partner is just as tired and stressed as she is. Hearing a compliment from someone at work could be just what she needs to brighten her day.

This is not an exhaustive list, but these are things that I know I would like to hear. I hope you are on the receiving end of one of these unspoken things. Or maybe, you can do it for someone else.