Who are you WITHOUT the kids?

Sherri here!  Glad you could join me.

So, today I wanted to discuss a topic that many of us don't put any serious thought to on a regular basis.  Perhaps it has fleetingly crossed your mind, only to be overtaken by more pressing issues - like the snack that just got spilled, the massive piles of laundry that needs to be done, or the sibling bickering that has suddenly become a full blown meltdown.  However, it's *vitally* important to come back to it as it will actually help you be a better parent!

Who are you WITHOUT the kids?

There seems to be a running joke that when you become a parent, you lose your life.  To be perfectly honest, it can feel like that's not all that far from the truth!  Moms especially tend to feel this way.  Your perspective on all the things you used to do or be before having children is very different after a child comes.  However, I'd venture to say that it's not so much that you lose your life...it just changes.  A LOT.  All at once.  It's easy to get lost in all the things you "should" do or be now, and completely forget what you did or who you were before.  THIS.IS.DANGEROUS.  You cannot expect to change what you do or who you are drastically and suddenly without yearning for how things were.

Enter MOM GUILT.

"But I should love being a stay-at-home mom...I shouldn't wish I could trade places with my husband when he leaves for work."

"But I should love being a working mom...I shouldn't be bawling everyday after dropping my kids off at daycare."

"But I should love being a mom...I shouldn't feel bad for dropping the kids off with a sitter so I can go out without them."

Etc, etc, etc.  I am quite certain you can think of a sentence similar to these that has run through your head before!  AND IT'S OKAY.  Really!  Just think about it...

Are you the same person you were before you had a child?

YES.

Do you have the same likes & dislikes as you did before you had a child?

YES.

Are there things that you enjoyed doing before you had kids that you still enjoy doing?

YES.

Regardless of everything that has changed around you, YOU are still the same person underneath it all.  If you try to ignore that or completely change that person, you will likely find yourself in a very unpleasant place.  Just like your kids need attention and nurturing...so does the person you still are OTHER than "Mom".

Plus, let's be honest, parenting is temporary.  Truly!  Although you will *always* be mom and you will *always* worry about and watch out for your kids...eventually they move on.  This is true even for special needs parents.  While it may not look the same as a neurotypical family, it still happens.  This is a slow progression - which can be good and bad!  Thankfully our kids don't all of a sudden *POOF* grow up and don't need us anymore.  Can you imagine how traumatic that would be?  Rather, it happens over many years, a little bit at a time.  The exact rate is different for each child, but the truth remains.  Because it's so slow, though, it can be easy to feel like it sneaks up on you.  One day your child doesn't want/need help on homework anymore...the next, they are moving out.

So...what happens then?  What happens to YOU?  You may have just spent the last 20-30 YEARS being Mom.  Now what????  I say, again...

Who are you WITHOUT the kids?

Of course, the answer to that question is different for every mama.  Here's the thing: if someone were to walk up to you today and ask you that question, COULD YOU ANSWER IT?  I figure that if you're still reading this article by now...the answer is probably no.

Here's how to figure it out:

Make a list of all things you do (or did) enjoy AND DO THEM.

Seriously!  That's it.  Easier said than done, you say?  Absolutely!

Look, you already HAVE the answer to this question.  I bet if you took a moment, you already know what things you like.  The real challenge is spending time doing them.  My point here is NOT to add one more thing to your already over-filled plate.  In order to spend some time with the things that define you and your personality without the kids, you are going to have to put something else down - even if it's just temporarily.  We can't do "IT ALL" and trying to just makes things worse!  Have you ever heard the oxygen mask analogy?  Let's revisit.  On every flight, what does the flight attendant tell you to do in case of an emergency?  Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.  The logic is simple: you can't help anyone else if you yourself are passed out from lack of oxygen.  Figuring out who you are and what you like WITHOUT the kids will help you be a better mama when you are WITH the kids.  Plus, eventually when you are not all mama all day, you won't feel so lost.

So, if you like to paint or read or skydive or sew or bike ride or go out with friends or whatever...DO IT!  The Mom Guilt will likely plague you at first.  Just being honest.  Which also means that, at least at first, these things you enjoy...won't be so enjoyable.  Try again.  Or try something different.  Just don't quit trying!  Eventually, the guilt will fade, especially as you see the benefits to your family when you feel better.  There's also nothing saying that you have to find time away from your family to do these things!  Find ways to include the kids - then give them the option to join you again or not.  They need to see that there is more to life, and to you, than just mama.  They also need to see that not everyone enjoys the exact same things...and that it's okay!  The important part to remember is this... 

You are a valuable person, both with and without the kids.

You ARE Not The Perfect Mama.